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The Dark of the Year and the Dancing Saints

Personal note

Sometime shortly after Thanksgiving, my brain seems to go on vacation.  All I can do is wander about, gazing at lights and humming music softly to myself.  There may be wisdom percolating in that brain, but getting in touch with it seems to be very effortful. So I just decided to go with the flow, and in that spirit, I offer some of my mental wandering for my last blog post of 2011.

 

The Dark of the Year and the Dancing Saints

As the days grow shorter and darker, I find myself mentally withdrawing into a kind of warm, personal cave – a cozy one filled with minute lights and small comforts, in which I experience a minimum of demands on me.
 
Over the years, I have come to realize that the Dark of the Year is not a great time to find solutions to big problems, or to make great creative leaps, much less make magic.  It is more like the time experienced by daffodil and tulip bulbs, snug under the ground, quiet, gathering their strength for the big surge that will come as the Earth warms.
 
No use looking for experiences that will trigger answers to questions – somehow the questions you are asking and answers you are receiving never match. It is instead a time for gathering in experiences that are nourishing and that will fuel that great Springtime leap.
 
In the spirit of providing ourselves with soul-nourishing experiences, a friend and I went to a Wintersong concert at a church in San Francisco.  The concert itself, consisting of songs from Eastern Europe sung by eight charmingly costumed women, was a revelation.  We were told that caroling predates Christianity, and consists of songs that fulfill that human need to find light, joy and community in the darker months.
 
As if that were not enough, the sanctuary in which the concert was held was a revelation in itself.  From top to bottom, the walls were covered with vividly colored paintings of saints, as defined by the parishioners, all dancing together.  St. Thomas Aquinas, John Coltrane, Florence Nightingale, Anne Frank, Francis of Assisi, Barnabas, Sojourner Truth, Paul of Tarsus, Eleanor Roosevelt, Martha Graham, and more, all joined hands in the dance. Somehow Lady Godiva was in the mix, too, as were several Seraphim, all similarly clothed (or unclothed). As a friend of mine once remarked, “The Lord certainly loves diversity.  He created so much of it.”
 
It was a magic experience.  All of these people, spanning centuries and representing a myriad of different belief systems, somehow came together to create a harmonious whole.  It may have been pure fantasy, but it was the most hopeful thing I have seen all year.
 
May we all dance together as harmoniously in 2012, and may the magic of the holiday season grow in you, and burst forth triumphantly as the light returns.

No Fault De-Stressing

Personal note

 

 

My morning paper the other day had an article about a new app for kids: it gives them yoga “moments” with which to handle the stressors of the day.

 

What a marvelous thing!  Nothing like this was available in my day – or probably in yours, either, if you are an adult.  We just had to muddle through as best we could, with limited information.

 

Heading for the holiday season, with its increasing pressures, I feel blessed to have found the guidance with which to learn to handle this stress, and to be able to share this with others.

 

No Fault De-Stressing

 

85% of major illness is now attributed to stress. The figure is alarming because it implies that the responsibility for our well-being lies directly in our own hands, as in a way it does.

 

People who already have a major illness feel dismayed, and even angry, about the new emphasis on “positive psychology,” and the idea that our beliefs and moods can affect our physical health dramatically.  They feel “blamed.”

 

Here’s a different look:  we have inherited a nervous system that defaults to a stress response readily, because our primitive ancestors survived by recognizing threat readily and taking action quickly.  Those ancestors were dealing with physical danger, such as the proverbial saber tooth tiger.  Today our threats are mostly social, so the response is not appropriate.  But we’re hard-wired for it.  That’s not our fault.

 

It’s not our fault, either, that we were not trained to deal with the powerful and dramatic stress response from birth.  Even when stress started to be recognized as an important factor in wellness and in disease, training was not readily available to us, particularly as children.  How can you feel blamed for something you, and others around you, didn’t even recognize?  Or responsible because, even when you recognized the threat, you didn’t have the skills with which to combat it?

 

The good news is this:  just as stress can contribute to disease, and even to shortening your life span, so can de-stressing slow down, stop, or in some cases, reverse disease and aging.

 

So what’s stopping you from taking advantage of the resources available to you now?  Books, recordings, classes, coaching – all sorts of things exist to help you, if you let them.

 

If you’re saying, “but I don’t have time,” or “I can’t afford it,” what you’re really saying is, “It’s not on my priority list.”  It can be amazing how rapidly your priority list can change when a major illness strikes.

 

Take a look at your priority list again.  At each item, ask yourself, “Is this worth dying over?” or even “getting sick over?”  You’ll be surprised at the amount of time or money you can find when you really need it in order to make your life better.

 

There is a Chinese saying:  “The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago.  The second best time is now.”

 

                                                                      ***
It’s not too late to sign up for the Holiday Stressbuster Program.  Remember, the classes are being recorded so you can listen to them on your own phone – wherever and whenever you want.  To sign up, just go to www.CreativeLifeChanges.com/stressbuster.

Choose Your Moods

Personal Note

This week has been one filled with blessings, such as opportunities to give two of my talks to appreciative audiences.  The Stonebrooke Golf Club Women’s Luncheon was the site of my talk on “What Do Wonder Woman and You Have in Common?” and Robins, Kaplan law firm heard “The Angina Monologue,” my talk on women and cardiac disease.

The weather, too, has been cooperative:  pleasantly warm with relatively low humidity.  The only storm came one day pre-dawn, so that we awoke to fresh air and a cleansed world.

Excited and stimulated  by my successes, I returned home and flopped down in a chair, exhausted and curiously depressed.

So I chose to have a tranquil mood, by pulling a CD out of my collection that reminded me of serene, dreamy times in the past and the kinds of scenes in which I want to participate in the future.

If you don’t already have a system for managing your moods, consider setting one up.

Choose Your Moods

Sometimes it seems as if moods overtake us with the swiftness of summer storms. Perhaps there’s a warning: something happens, someone says something. Sometimes they just seem to appear out of nowhere.But moods don’t just happen, and you don’t have to be a “victim of the storm.”The key to taking charge of your moods lies in seeing that you have choices. You can increase your ability to be aware of your choices when you start limiting automatic behavior.

Think of all the things you take into your body and your mind daily, besides food: sights, sounds, smells, tactile experiences.

For example, do you flip on the radio automatically – in your car or in your home?   Just flip the switch and leave it on? When you do, be aware that somebody else is choosing the music, whether it’s bright and lively, slow and tranquil, or fast and furious.

Your body is moving right along with the rhythm and the sounds, and your emotions are, too.  Someone else is in charge. Is that what you want?

Perhaps you have turned on a talk show – and when you are not paying attention the topic of the program has changed, and there you are, listening to a speaker making a passionate argument for or against a current issue.  Even if you agree with the speaker, do you really need to have your passions aroused on that issue right now?

What about the daily news? Do you read or watch TV automatically? The media generally focus on the idea that Good News is No News, so a lot of what we read, hear or watch, is Bad News.

I’m not suggesting you shield yourself from anything unpleasant, because of course you want to be a mature and an informed person, but how many exposures do you need to the same story about burglaries, murders, wars, and other atrocities? Such stories are often repeated over and over again, all day long, without necessarily adding more information that might be important for you to know.

Think about everything you take in all day through sight, hearing, touch, or smell – how do you feel right afterwards?  What is your mood? Pay attention.

You can make choices about what not to view or hear or experience.

Just as you can make choices to select things to view or hear that bring you serenity or even joy.

Make a list of some experiences you can give yourself every day – music to hear, a poem to read, a picture to look at – that support your good mood.

Remember always: Pause.  Think about it. Then choose wisely.

Why do some people just seem to have all the luck?

Earlier in my life, I was bemused at the sight of a number of people who had talent and persistence, but never seemed to get the break that allowed them to display that talent.  At the same time, it was puzzling to see much less qualified people rise to the top.  Not always, not even very often, but often enough that it was disturbing to observe.

It seems as if some people just seem to waltz through life, encountering one lucky break or loving, supportive person after another.

My initial curiosity in this phenomenon led me to the study of Peak Performance techniques, which became part of my “stress toolbox,” to help people move from stress to success.   One finding is that “lucky” people, consciously or unconsciously, have certain habits that help them easily make the right connections.  These techniques are used by winners in every area of life.

If you want to improve your “luck,” here are some simple tips that you can incorporate into your life right now.

Lori was one of my “harried women” clients.  In the midst of a divorce, she dreaded the acrimonious conversations with her ex-husband.  Fatigued and frustrated, she was on edge at work, and was worrying constantly about her upcoming year-end employee review.

One of the things we worked on was to get her to stop writing stories about the future: all the possible things that could be wrong on her employee review, resulting in a lower year-end bonus, and difficulty paying bills, etc., etc.

We then worked on getting her to stop obsessing about the past and all the conversations and incidents involving her ex-husband that she was sure would be repeated over and over.

Resolved to live with less stress, she started taking the bus to work, resolutely avoiding thinking about the past or future, trying to stay alert in and be  in “present time.” One morning, instead of daydreaming about the past or the future, she got into an increasingly enthusiastic conversation with her seat mate.  He was a stranger when they got on the bus.  They parted at the end of the bus ride, exchanging business cards.

The next morning, when her boss called her into his office, she went with some fear.  In fact, her seat mate had been so impressed with her enthusiastic conversation about her work that he had switched his considerably large investments accounts to her brokerage, and her boss was impressed!

She got a promotion.

Moral of this story:  Only in the present can you connect with others.

A second aspect of this story is now validated by research from Christine Carter at the Center for Greater Good at the University of California, Berkeley:   Talk to strangers!

Do not automatically screen people out because they don’t look important.

Exchange pleasant conversation everywhere with people you meet casually – on public transportation, in elevators, over counters and in offices where they serve you – just because you an interested, alert and curious person.  Express genuine interest in what they do.

A stress management bonus: Focusing on other people, especially strangers, will also keep you from thinking too much about yourself and your worries, and help you to focus on being present.

And the third tip:  Be willing to show enthusiasm for who you are and what you do – in every encounter.   For every person who expresses disdain for your enthusiasm or your activity, you will meet many who will show support, offer ideas, and even find connections for you.

So get out there and create some “luck” today.

 

What’s the difference between “Being prepared” and “Worrying?”

Last week was a “high” for me, as I got to speak at the Minneapolis Heart Institute Foundation’s annual fund-raising wine dinner.  Seated at a table with the Brittany Thelemann, the new Miss Minnesota, I learned about how to taste (swirl, sniff, chew, etc.) wine.  Unfortunately, all of the eating (and drinking) was to precede my talk, so I had to be very careful about my selections, for fear of making a fool of myself when I finally stood up to speak!

Polls show that public speaking is the #1 stressful event for most people, and while I am experienced, and love being on a stage, there’s no doubt that I have a few qualms before doing my bit.

On this occasion, a friend who was managing the event remarked that last year the crowd  - possibly influenced by all the wine – got more than a little noisy and conversational during the speaking, I began to wonder what to expect.

She mentioned several times her concern for the possibility of disruption during the speeches, saying that this year she would come to the podium and hush them, if necessary.

Thus began a train of thoughts that I have been having since then, causing me to ask the following question:

What’s The Difference Between “Being Prepared” and “Worrying”?

Suppose you’re concerned about fire and the possibility that it will wipe out your home and all its contents.  You clear out hazardous clutter, take out fire insurance, and make sure you turn off heat-generating appliances when you leave the house.

Then you go live your life without being obsessively preoccupied with the matter.

If you still walk around thinking constantly of the threat of fire, you’re obsessing and you’re in constant low-level stress.

Remember, your mind cannot tell the difference between a deeply-imagined event and a real one.  It flashes the “danger” signal, and your body responds with the fight-or-flight response.  One stressful thought can easily become many stressful  imaginary “events’, repeatedly triggering the physical reaction that leaves you fatigued, with higher blood pressure and a lowered immune system response, among other things.

How to change “worrying” to “problem-solving””

Take out “insurance”: If you are concerned about a negative outcome to a situation, think of what is within your power to do to prevent that outcome.  Do it; then let go of those worrisome thoughts.

My friend had a responsibility to oversee the event and make sure it ran smoothly.

She made a decision about what she would do if the worst occurred; then she had to let go of that thought. Because worry clamors for our attention, obsessing might have resulted in her overlooking some other detail for which she was responsible.

If you frequently have difficulty letting go of worrisome thoughts:

Keep a record of your predictions:

Often we predict alarming things and then forget that we were wrong.  Then, if you are a really good constant worrier, you just go on to worrying about something else without pausing to critique your last prediction.

Keep a record of your alarming predictions: write them down.  Later on, after the event, write down what the actual outcome was.   You may be surprised to note how seldom what you predicted really does come true.

Think of alternate scenarios: is this the only way this experience could play out?

Getting locked into one thought pattern keeps you from imagining other possible outcomes, leaving you unprepared.

For example, many things could happen to your home: It could  be burglarized or swept away by a tornado during your absence. But the highest probability is that your house will be safe.

What is the probability the alarming scenario will occur?

You may not have a mathematically precise idea, but ask yourself this:

Are you behaving as if there is a 100% probability?  50%?   20%?

The amount of time you devote to thinking about the challenge should be roughly proportional to the likelihood it will occur.

The outcome of the event at which I spoke?  I had mentally prepared for the possibility that they would be rowdy, forcing me to eliminate some of my material.

Luckily, I also had prepared a talk for a more typical audience – the talk which I delivered.

Because, in fact, the audience was attentive and very polite.

Where Stress Comes From – The Real Story

As a Stress Expert, I am often backed into a corner at a party by an earnest person who asks, urgently, “So, how do you handle stress?”

I try not to burble incoherently, but it’s hard.  They want a one-second answer to a complex problem.

I thought I’d start by describing what we are up against, as a preface to providing simple stress solutions to specific challenges  in the upcoming posts.

So today, you are going to hear about:

The Real Story of Stress

(Anthropologists: don’t read any further)

Millions of years ago, our ancestors lived in a dangerous world, filled with fierce creatures , such as saber-toothed tigers, from which they had to defend themselves.

They also had to go out with clubs and put themselves in danger to bring down their dinner, such as, say, a mastodon.

To get the physical strength to run and fight, they developed a physical system to make all this possible.  They needed to bring oxygen to the powerful muscles engaged in running and fighting in order to burn the sources of energy stored in their bodies and to turn on the power they needed.  (Remember the high school science demonstration where you dropped a match in a jar and clapped the lid on?  The match extinguished when the oxygen ran out.  Same principle. Remember to breathe, so you don’t extinguish.)

Where did they get all that  oxygen?  By opening up their air passages widely to bring in more oxygen, which entered their blood stream through the lungs.  Their rapidly beating hearts then accelerated to pump this oxygen-rich blood out to the muscles, especially those engaged in fighting and fleeing.  Their arteries constricted to push that blood quickly to the big muscles of the back and legs. (This is an example of high blood pressure with a purpose) Digestion kind of shuts down, because you don’t need to worry about digestion when you are afraid of being digested.

All of these changes happened automatically, and in an instant.

They were examples of what we now call the Type A personality.

After the danger was over, flushed with success and excitement, they retreated to their caves and….well, they created descendants.  Us.

Meanwhile, the Type B cave people strolled along calmly, sniffing the daisies and admiring the view.  Many of them never made it back to the cave. Hence, few descendants.

So here we are, most of us descendants of powerful fighters and flee-ers, all of us equipped to do the same, but lacking a significant amount of saber-toothed tigers and other physical dangers in our environment.

What we have instead are a lot of social dangers: fear of criticism, of being laughed at, of being rejected, of failing.  Our brain fails to distinguish the difference between a real, life-threatening danger and a sharp remark directed at us that sounds like something in a television sit-com – a line at which everyone laughs but the target.

You’re all ready for a fight or a flight, but where can you run?  Who can you beat up? (besides yourself, of course, which we tend to do very well).

In future newsletters, I’ll be giving tips that you can incorporate into your life to deal with this dilemma Nature has handed us.

In the meantime, try this very useful exercise:

Stick out your tongue..W a a  a y out.

Now laugh like a dog – saying “ha, ha, ha”  out loud in human language.

(If you don’t like dogs, think of dolphins.)

As you pant, make your mouth curve up in a smile. Keep up this humorous panting for at least 30 seconds.

You’ll feel a little ridiculous, but part of good stress management is learning not to take yourself too seriously

If you do it right, you’ll feel a real release in the muscles of your chest, diaphragm and abdomen, and elsewhere, too. Unbeknownst to you, your heart will slow down, too, and your blood pressure will drop.

This is a serious suggestion.

Remember, stress makes you stupid but silliness can keep you sane.

What kinds of silliness do you indulge in to keep a grip on your sanity and manage stress?

 

 

Holiday Hints for Heart-wise Women

The holidays are a particular challenge for those of us who know we must be vigilant every day to maintain our health through good eating. Here are some of the challenges, and how to meet them.

The holiday party, with its buffet of delectable treats, many of them high-fat- cheese plates, crackers, cookies made with real butter, rich drinks such as egg nog, -can be faced and handled by using some of the following tricks:

  • Drink a glass of skim milk before attending the party.  It’s nutritious, filling, and will keep you from giving in and wolfing down too many hors d’oeuvres.  And it’s great padding if you decide to have that one alcoholic drink you allow yourself at a party.
  • Bring a bottle of sparkling water with you, in case none are supplied.  Fill your glass with this festive-looking drink, or dilute your one glass of wine with it, making two or more bubbly spritzers.
  • Station yourself as far away from the table as possible, so that you won’t be continually tempted by the sight and smell of food
  • Decide in advance what you will eat, and how much of it. Want to treat yourself to a little bit of cheese?  Pick the harder type of cheese (lower in fat).  Try putting it on a vegetable, such as a celery stalk, rather than a cracker.
  • Avoid automatic eating by keeping your hands occupied by holding a glass (of the above mentioned sparkling water or spritzer) while you are engaged in conversation.
  • Do mindful eating: Savor each bite by leaving each one at the front of your mouth longer than you usually do.  Then slowly let it move through your mouth, noting the point at which that particular food really stimulates your taste buds and enjoying it to the max.
  • If you don’t get a real thrill from a certain food, be willing to discard the rest of it uneaten.  If you’ve looked the tray over and selected one brownie, be willing to get rid of it if  you think it doesn’t taste like the best brownie the world has ever known.

In short, make sure the actual experience of the feast matches your anticipation by making mindful, better choices.  You’ll end up not only healthier, but happier as you realize you savored the experience and maintained your self-image as a heart-wise woman.

Helping Heart-Wise Women

Heart—wise women are women who:

  • Have had a cardiac event of any kind, or
  • Know they have significant risk factors for cardiac disease.or
  • Are intelligent enough to know their stress-filled lives can kill them

Harried women are:

  • Overly-busy women who  can’t seem to find enough time to  exercise, meditate, and do all the things they know are good for them
  • Working women, women entrepreneurs, women with families, women being caretakers……
  • Just about every woman we know!

As a Certified Life Coach and teacher, I work with overly-busy women who are concerned about their hearts and who can’t find the time to relax or meditate because they believe they have “delegated everything they can delegate and let go of everything possible”.  I help them to shift their perspectives, identify hidden time-wasters, change habitual thoughts and actions that rob them of time, energy, and power,   and discover time for life-enhancing activities.

Looking for Time in the All the Wrong Places

Feeling rushed seems to be a by-product of modern life. We work to have a better life, but discover we have to spend time commuting to the home we were able to provide because of the job.  We take up activities to stay healthful and involved in life, then discover we have increased our commitments to the point where we no longer enjoy these “leisure” activities. We want to do a good job in every aspect of life: work, relationships, child-rearing, home care, and we feel buried in joyless responsibility.

Take time to go to a weekend meditation retreat?  You know it would be good for you, but if you can’t even find the time to sleep in a little later on a weekend, how could you possibly set aside two days of doing nothing?

Many of us keep looking for time in all the wrong places.  Such as, “After I’m through with work, and my commute, and my personal banking business, and my food shopping and meal preparation, and my commitment to other people   ….then I’ll have a little time to relax. And it never happens.

Don’t wait until everything else is done. There’ll never be anything left for you.  Do as personal money managers advise:  Pay yourself first. If possible, spend a few quiet moments at the start of the day meditating. You will start your day feeling more clear-headed about what you plan to accomplish.

Other ideas for managing your time better:

  1. Manage your transitions better. Enter every new task and encounter after you’ve spent a few minutes doing some deep breathing and clearing your mind.  Your loved ones, your boss, even your pets will thank you for being more relaxed
  2. Stress makes you stupid. Remember “Ready, Fire, Aim”?.  Slow down deliberately when starting a new task; write out a plan of what you are going to do (writing it forces you to slow down and think), even (heaven forbid!) read directions first.  The time you spend will be more than repaid by the time you save not having to go back and correct mistakes.
  3. Live in the present, not the past or future:  Rushing to an appointment, reviewing in your mind the coming topic, you park your car, slam the door, and walk away.  An hour later you search frantically for your car in the parking lot or on a city street because you can’t remember where you put it.  Stop when you leave your car, note small landmarks that will orient you, then walk to your appointment mindfully noting passersby and scenery.  You’ll arrive more refreshed and clear-headed, and you won’t  waste time searching for something that shouldn’t have been “lost”.
  4. Give up too much caretaking:  Unless you have a very young child or a helpless invalid in your life, you may be doing a lot more caretaking than is good for you…..or for the other person.. Son forgot his homework and wants you to deliver it to the school?  Maybe once, but after that he is responsible for the consequences of his behavior. Give up obsessing about the possible negative outcome of a friend’s behavior if you can do nothing about it.  The rule is: If you don’t have the authority to do something about it, don’t take the responsibility.

Following the above guidelines may not get you immediately to that two-day meditation retreat, but you’ll find you can create “islands of peace” in the middle of your chaotic days, and perhaps this will be the start of a new way to live, and to love your life.

 

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