The Dark of the Year and the Dancing Saints
Personal note
Sometime shortly after Thanksgiving, my brain seems to go on vacation. All I can do is wander about, gazing at lights and humming music softly to myself. There may be wisdom percolating in that brain, but getting in touch with it seems to be very effortful. So I just decided to go with the flow, and in that spirit, I offer some of my mental wandering for my last blog post of 2011.
The Dark of the Year and the Dancing Saints
As the days grow shorter and darker, I find myself mentally withdrawing into a kind of warm, personal cave – a cozy one filled with minute lights and small comforts, in which I experience a minimum of demands on me.
Over the years, I have come to realize that the Dark of the Year is not a great time to find solutions to big problems, or to make great creative leaps, much less make magic. It is more like the time experienced by daffodil and tulip bulbs, snug under the ground, quiet, gathering their strength for the big surge that will come as the Earth warms.
No use looking for experiences that will trigger answers to questions – somehow the questions you are asking and answers you are receiving never match. It is instead a time for gathering in experiences that are nourishing and that will fuel that great Springtime leap.
In the spirit of providing ourselves with soul-nourishing experiences, a friend and I went to a Wintersong concert at a church in San Francisco. The concert itself, consisting of songs from Eastern Europe sung by eight charmingly costumed women, was a revelation. We were told that caroling predates Christianity, and consists of songs that fulfill that human need to find light, joy and community in the darker months.
As if that were not enough, the sanctuary in which the concert was held was a revelation in itself. From top to bottom, the walls were covered with vividly colored paintings of saints, as defined by the parishioners, all dancing together. St. Thomas Aquinas, John Coltrane, Florence Nightingale, Anne Frank, Francis of Assisi, Barnabas, Sojourner Truth, Paul of Tarsus, Eleanor Roosevelt, Martha Graham, and more, all joined hands in the dance. Somehow Lady Godiva was in the mix, too, as were several Seraphim, all similarly clothed (or unclothed). As a friend of mine once remarked, “The Lord certainly loves diversity. He created so much of it.”
It was a magic experience. All of these people, spanning centuries and representing a myriad of different belief systems, somehow came together to create a harmonious whole. It may have been pure fantasy, but it was the most hopeful thing I have seen all year.
May we all dance together as harmoniously in 2012, and may the magic of the holiday season grow in you, and burst forth triumphantly as the light returns.
No Fault De-Stressing
Personal note
My morning paper the other day had an article about a new app for kids: it gives them yoga “moments” with which to handle the stressors of the day.
No Fault De-Stressing
Here’s a different look: we have inherited a nervous system that defaults to a stress response readily, because our primitive ancestors survived by recognizing threat readily and taking action quickly. Those ancestors were dealing with physical danger, such as the proverbial saber tooth tiger. Today our threats are mostly social, so the response is not appropriate. But we’re hard-wired for it. That’s not our fault.
Choose Your Moods
Personal Note
This week has been one filled with blessings, such as opportunities to give two of my talks to appreciative audiences. The Stonebrooke Golf Club Women’s Luncheon was the site of my talk on “What Do Wonder Woman and You Have in Common?” and Robins, Kaplan law firm heard “The Angina Monologue,” my talk on women and cardiac disease.
The weather, too, has been cooperative: pleasantly warm with relatively low humidity. The only storm came one day pre-dawn, so that we awoke to fresh air and a cleansed world.
Excited and stimulated by my successes, I returned home and flopped down in a chair, exhausted and curiously depressed.
So I chose to have a tranquil mood, by pulling a CD out of my collection that reminded me of serene, dreamy times in the past and the kinds of scenes in which I want to participate in the future.
If you don’t already have a system for managing your moods, consider setting one up.
Choose Your Moods
Think of all the things you take into your body and your mind daily, besides food: sights, sounds, smells, tactile experiences.
For example, do you flip on the radio automatically – in your car or in your home? Just flip the switch and leave it on? When you do, be aware that somebody else is choosing the music, whether it’s bright and lively, slow and tranquil, or fast and furious.
Your body is moving right along with the rhythm and the sounds, and your emotions are, too. Someone else is in charge. Is that what you want?
Perhaps you have turned on a talk show – and when you are not paying attention the topic of the program has changed, and there you are, listening to a speaker making a passionate argument for or against a current issue. Even if you agree with the speaker, do you really need to have your passions aroused on that issue right now?
What about the daily news? Do you read or watch TV automatically? The media generally focus on the idea that Good News is No News, so a lot of what we read, hear or watch, is Bad News.
I’m not suggesting you shield yourself from anything unpleasant, because of course you want to be a mature and an informed person, but how many exposures do you need to the same story about burglaries, murders, wars, and other atrocities? Such stories are often repeated over and over again, all day long, without necessarily adding more information that might be important for you to know.
Think about everything you take in all day through sight, hearing, touch, or smell – how do you feel right afterwards? What is your mood? Pay attention.
You can make choices about what not to view or hear or experience.
Just as you can make choices to select things to view or hear that bring you serenity or even joy.
Make a list of some experiences you can give yourself every day – music to hear, a poem to read, a picture to look at – that support your good mood.
Remember always: Pause. Think about it. Then choose wisely.
Why do some people just seem to have all the luck?
Earlier in my life, I was bemused at the sight of a number of people who had talent and persistence, but never seemed to get the break that allowed them to display that talent. At the same time, it was puzzling to see much less qualified people rise to the top. Not always, not even very often, but often enough that it was disturbing to observe.
It seems as if some people just seem to waltz through life, encountering one lucky break or loving, supportive person after another.
My initial curiosity in this phenomenon led me to the study of Peak Performance techniques, which became part of my “stress toolbox,” to help people move from stress to success. One finding is that “lucky” people, consciously or unconsciously, have certain habits that help them easily make the right connections. These techniques are used by winners in every area of life.
If you want to improve your “luck,” here are some simple tips that you can incorporate into your life right now.
Lori was one of my “harried women” clients. In the midst of a divorce, she dreaded the acrimonious conversations with her ex-husband. Fatigued and frustrated, she was on edge at work, and was worrying constantly about her upcoming year-end employee review.
One of the things we worked on was to get her to stop writing stories about the future: all the possible things that could be wrong on her employee review, resulting in a lower year-end bonus, and difficulty paying bills, etc., etc.
We then worked on getting her to stop obsessing about the past and all the conversations and incidents involving her ex-husband that she was sure would be repeated over and over.
Resolved to live with less stress, she started taking the bus to work, resolutely avoiding thinking about the past or future, trying to stay alert in and be in “present time.” One morning, instead of daydreaming about the past or the future, she got into an increasingly enthusiastic conversation with her seat mate. He was a stranger when they got on the bus. They parted at the end of the bus ride, exchanging business cards.
The next morning, when her boss called her into his office, she went with some fear. In fact, her seat mate had been so impressed with her enthusiastic conversation about her work that he had switched his considerably large investments accounts to her brokerage, and her boss was impressed!
She got a promotion.
Moral of this story: Only in the present can you connect with others.
A second aspect of this story is now validated by research from Christine Carter at the Center for Greater Good at the University of California, Berkeley: Talk to strangers!
Do not automatically screen people out because they don’t look important.
Exchange pleasant conversation everywhere with people you meet casually – on public transportation, in elevators, over counters and in offices where they serve you – just because you an interested, alert and curious person. Express genuine interest in what they do.
A stress management bonus: Focusing on other people, especially strangers, will also keep you from thinking too much about yourself and your worries, and help you to focus on being present.
And the third tip: Be willing to show enthusiasm for who you are and what you do – in every encounter. For every person who expresses disdain for your enthusiasm or your activity, you will meet many who will show support, offer ideas, and even find connections for you.
So get out there and create some “luck” today.
Holiday Hints for Heart-wise Women
The holidays are a particular challenge for those of us who know we must be vigilant every day to maintain our health through good eating. Here are some of the challenges, and how to meet them.
The holiday party, with its buffet of delectable treats, many of them high-fat- cheese plates, crackers, cookies made with real butter, rich drinks such as egg nog, -can be faced and handled by using some of the following tricks:
- Drink a glass of skim milk before attending the party. It’s nutritious, filling, and will keep you from giving in and wolfing down too many hors d’oeuvres. And it’s great padding if you decide to have that one alcoholic drink you allow yourself at a party.
- Bring a bottle of sparkling water with you, in case none are supplied. Fill your glass with this festive-looking drink, or dilute your one glass of wine with it, making two or more bubbly spritzers.
- Station yourself as far away from the table as possible, so that you won’t be continually tempted by the sight and smell of food
- Decide in advance what you will eat, and how much of it. Want to treat yourself to a little bit of cheese? Pick the harder type of cheese (lower in fat). Try putting it on a vegetable, such as a celery stalk, rather than a cracker.
- Avoid automatic eating by keeping your hands occupied by holding a glass (of the above mentioned sparkling water or spritzer) while you are engaged in conversation.
- Do mindful eating: Savor each bite by leaving each one at the front of your mouth longer than you usually do. Then slowly let it move through your mouth, noting the point at which that particular food really stimulates your taste buds and enjoying it to the max.
- If you don’t get a real thrill from a certain food, be willing to discard the rest of it uneaten. If you’ve looked the tray over and selected one brownie, be willing to get rid of it if you think it doesn’t taste like the best brownie the world has ever known.
In short, make sure the actual experience of the feast matches your anticipation by making mindful, better choices. You’ll end up not only healthier, but happier as you realize you savored the experience and maintained your self-image as a heart-wise woman.
Helping Heart-Wise Women
Heart—wise women are women who:
- Have had a cardiac event of any kind, or
- Know they have significant risk factors for cardiac disease.or
- Are intelligent enough to know their stress-filled lives can kill them
Harried women are:
- Overly-busy women who can’t seem to find enough time to exercise, meditate, and do all the things they know are good for them
- Working women, women entrepreneurs, women with families, women being caretakers……
- Just about every woman we know!
As a Certified Life Coach and teacher, I work with overly-busy women who are concerned about their hearts and who can’t find the time to relax or meditate because they believe they have “delegated everything they can delegate and let go of everything possible”. I help them to shift their perspectives, identify hidden time-wasters, change habitual thoughts and actions that rob them of time, energy, and power, and discover time for life-enhancing activities.
Looking for Time in the All the Wrong Places
Feeling rushed seems to be a by-product of modern life. We work to have a better life, but discover we have to spend time commuting to the home we were able to provide because of the job. We take up activities to stay healthful and involved in life, then discover we have increased our commitments to the point where we no longer enjoy these “leisure” activities. We want to do a good job in every aspect of life: work, relationships, child-rearing, home care, and we feel buried in joyless responsibility.
Take time to go to a weekend meditation retreat? You know it would be good for you, but if you can’t even find the time to sleep in a little later on a weekend, how could you possibly set aside two days of doing nothing?
Many of us keep looking for time in all the wrong places. Such as, “After I’m through with work, and my commute, and my personal banking business, and my food shopping and meal preparation, and my commitment to other people ….then I’ll have a little time to relax. And it never happens.
Don’t wait until everything else is done. There’ll never be anything left for you. Do as personal money managers advise: Pay yourself first. If possible, spend a few quiet moments at the start of the day meditating. You will start your day feeling more clear-headed about what you plan to accomplish.
Other ideas for managing your time better:
- Manage your transitions better. Enter every new task and encounter after you’ve spent a few minutes doing some deep breathing and clearing your mind. Your loved ones, your boss, even your pets will thank you for being more relaxed
- Stress makes you stupid. Remember “Ready, Fire, Aim”?. Slow down deliberately when starting a new task; write out a plan of what you are going to do (writing it forces you to slow down and think), even (heaven forbid!) read directions first. The time you spend will be more than repaid by the time you save not having to go back and correct mistakes.
- Live in the present, not the past or future: Rushing to an appointment, reviewing in your mind the coming topic, you park your car, slam the door, and walk away. An hour later you search frantically for your car in the parking lot or on a city street because you can’t remember where you put it. Stop when you leave your car, note small landmarks that will orient you, then walk to your appointment mindfully noting passersby and scenery. You’ll arrive more refreshed and clear-headed, and you won’t waste time searching for something that shouldn’t have been “lost”.
- Give up too much caretaking: Unless you have a very young child or a helpless invalid in your life, you may be doing a lot more caretaking than is good for you…..or for the other person.. Son forgot his homework and wants you to deliver it to the school? Maybe once, but after that he is responsible for the consequences of his behavior. Give up obsessing about the possible negative outcome of a friend’s behavior if you can do nothing about it. The rule is: If you don’t have the authority to do something about it, don’t take the responsibility.
Following the above guidelines may not get you immediately to that two-day meditation retreat, but you’ll find you can create “islands of peace” in the middle of your chaotic days, and perhaps this will be the start of a new way to live, and to love your life.
