Are you carrying some introvert baggage?
Personal note
Being different from other people is always stressful, and we’re all different from one another in a variety of ways. It leads to misunderstandings, and even worse, to some of us evaluating others of us as being deficient in some way.
I often find myself being a mediator between people who don’t understand each other, and I particularly love standing up for people I believe are in the position of underdogs, particularly when I’m very familiar with the underdog position.
So here’s my latest attempt to make the world a more peaceful place.
Are you carrying some introvert baggage?
Many people do; some of them are introverts, the others are extroverts.
The basic definition of an introvert is of someone who is very sensitive to external stimulation and needs to withdraw periodically because our energy is depleted by too much stimulation, whereas an extrovert is someone who goes out and seeks stimulation, often social stimulation, in order to be energized.
That being said, there are a lot of assumptions that go along with introversion, some of which I call “introvert baggage.” Not all of the people who carry this baggage are introverts.
In “12 Most Expeditious Ways to Alienate Your Introverted Colleagues”, Beth Buelow describes how non-introverts (ok, extroverts) unwittingly make life difficult for introverts and shut down any effective communication because of their assumptions. (See her full article HERE)
Included in her list are non-stop talking (to deal with the threat that silence may actually occur every now and then?), saying “You’re awfully quiet, aren’t you? or worse yet, “You’re shy, aren’t you?; forcing introverts to work in groups, socialize when they don’t want to, or basing an evaluation of their work solely on degree of participation; and assuming that the quieter behavior of an introvert is due to everything from indifference to stupidity to plotting. Whew! All that from the simple fact that some of us need to replenish one’s energy in private every now and then.
But introverts are complicit in this whole thing, too. Instead of recognizing that what we are dealing with is an energy problem, and should be handled by setting aside quiet times to refuel, and by choosing our activities wisely, too many of us spend our lives in a kind of defensive crouch, trying to avoid human contact altogether, then wondering why we don’t feel loved or appreciated.
Too many of us say, “I don’t want to waste my time on idle chit-chat; I just want to have meaningful conversations and relationships, too.”
Well, I’ve got news for you. It doesn’t happen that way. People need to connect; some of us more carefully and in smaller groups. But we need to connect: to feel healthy, to feel whole, to feel love and joy, and yes, to do business, too. Connections don’t happen the minute two pairs of eyes meet; they take time to develop.
Here are some guidelines for getting rid of that extra baggage , and being a proud and confident introvert who can connect with others without being sucked into their lives:
- Make sure your energy drain isn’t at least partially due to poor health habits, or to depression, for which you might want some counseling.
- Select your outings carefully; time them when you can be sure your energy is at a high enough point to cope successfully;
- Find things that energize you to do in advance. I have music I love that energizes me. Often, when going to an event where I will need to meet people and be “out there” I play it in the car,
- Cultivate social skills so that when you are out you can meet others, find ways to connect, and determine whether that other person really is worth knowing. Ask questions that allow them to do most of the talking. You don’t have to do it all the time. If you do (Gasp! Horrors!) get into a conversation you don’t particularly enjoy, you don’t have to continue it. You don’t have to take the person home, for heaven’s sake.
- Do not assume that you will know immediately whether or not someone is suitable to be the Prince or Princess of Your Heart, or the Emperor of your Entrepreneurship. Whether in business or pleasure, a period of conversation and dating is essential to establishing a deeper relationship.
- Finally, recognize that the more you set up these little encounters with others, the less threatening they will be because:
- You will get better with practice
- Each episode counts for less in the general scheme of things, as one awkward experience can be diluted by the sheer numbers.
Oh, and extroverts: When we withdraw, don’t automatically assume we’re rejecting you. Learn to stop and listen when you are around a quiet person. We can be gold mines of imagination and creativity and occasional oases of peace in your life.
The Confident Introvert
“What are they afraid of?” my department manager used to ask after meetings in which a number of department members sat, silent and resentful, while he was unaware that his habit of springing surprise agenda items and asking for an immediate decision was very upsetting to these talented, educated introverts. Understanding, appreciating and utilizing the skills of introversion are foreign ideas to some – even to introverts. Now you can read about it in
The Confident Introvert.
Order now at http://www.ConfidentIntrovert.
Can you change the past?
Personal note
Last Saturday I gathered, along with 150 other alumnae, at an event staged by my alma mater, Stanford University. Stanford Connects, brought as a road show to Minneapolis, featured micro lectures and seminars by noted professors; President Hennessy informed and entertained us with his answers to questions about the University and its future.
What a thrill to be back in that heady atmosphere of crisp conversations and intellectual stimulation. How sobering it was to remember what it was like being the oldest undergraduate on campus in 1967, a 30-year old divorcee in a sea of 17 and 18 year olds who represented the best and brightest minds in the U.S. Now that was stress! And how lovely it was now to be in present time, successful and confident, and greeted warmly by faculty and staff, and to feel that I really mattered to this great institution.
The event was so stimulating that I did what introverts do: I left early and went home to savor all the wonderful things that had happened, and to refill my energy tanks. Memories of the loneliness and tension I had suffered blurred and softened in retrospect.
Can you change the past?
Can you go back and change the past, or are you stuck with what you remember?
That’s the key: what you remember. The fact is, our brains are stuffed with memories, only some of which we retrieve, convincing ourselves we have a true and complete picture of the past when in fact we have a partial, often negative, picture of our history.
Why the emphasis on the negative? Our nervous systems record unpleasant events, including the cues that lead up to them, rapidly. Then they cling as if they were barnacles on a hull. Pleasant things, on the other hand, are stored more slowly and fade more quickly. Why? Because of our need to learn and respond quickly to threatening signals, signals that might threaten our very life.
Even when the cues simply signaled the start of the third grade spelling test, our bodies react as if that were a life-threatening event.
Once we have this negative mind set, we reach out and store more events that fit the template we have set up. We notice those things that confirm our observation that life is hard. One researcher, Paul Meehl, noting our tendency to become more depressed as we aged, called this phenomenon “aversive drift.”
Can you change this? Yes – by taking the time to focus deliberately on pleasant events, especially before bedtime every night. During the day, sniff the roses, hear the birds, respond to the smiles you encounter.
You can actually build up a foundation of good memories that will attract more and more that are similar – and even start recovering pleasant memories from long ago that you haven’t accessed in a long, long time.
The warm encounters I had at my recent alumnae meeting triggered wonderful memories: approaching the campus as the sun rose, gilding the buildings with soft rosy gold, thinking “this is my campus”; exploring the cubby holes and stacks of the old library, finding treasures in bound journals that had nothing to do with what I was supposed to be studying; strolling down a rural lane in summer, surrounded by silence, bees humming in the foliage, only to discover that one of those ivy-covered buildings was a high energy physics lab – all of these memories had lain buried beneath remembrance of the stress of living – and being evaluated – in a highly competitive atmosphere. But that wasn’t all that was happening; lovely things were all around me, and apparently were being recorded in my brain.
It’s not about re-creating the past; instead, you highlight the pleasurable aspects of it, eventually overriding the more unpleasant events.
And if you think of the past as what happened a second ago, you can start consciously to work on building up a warm, confident past now, and watch how it influences those old storage files that reach far back into the past.
The Confident Introvert
“What are they afraid of?” my department manager used to ask after meetings in which a number of department members sat, silent and resentful, while he was unaware that his habit of springing surprise agenda items and asking for an immediate decision was very upsetting to these talented, educated introverts. Understanding, appreciating and utilizing the skills of introversion are foreign ideas to some – even to introverts. Now you can read about it in
The Confident Introvert.
Order now at http://www.ConfidentIntrovert.
The Power of “Yet”
Personal note
I first wrote this article in July 15, 2011. The concept is just as true now as it was then. If we all followed this advice, our happiness would increase.
As a writer, I believe in the power of words. Words can heal and bring hope. They can also destroy hope. This week’s article is about one little word that can carry a lot of power.
The Power of “Yet”
When I had a heart attack a little over five years ago, I asked, “Why?”
And my doctor told me that I had a high level of a rare form of cholesterol that sticks to itself and to artery walls like Velcro, making me three times more liable to have a heart attack than the average person. Furthermore, my doctor told me there was no medication, diet, or exercise – nothing I could do – that would lower this level. I felt nothing but despair. It sounded like a death sentence to me.
Nothing I could do? I fired the doctor. And found a new one. The new one said, “We don’t have a solution for that…yet.” What healing those three little letters brought to me! They suggested that my doctor believed:
- Someone somewhere in the world was working on this problem;
- There would be a solution…sometime;
- She would be aware of that solution because she believed it was possible; and
- She would pass that solution on to me.
My level of hope rose steadily. Today, neither my doctor nor I believe I will have another heart attack. All because of one little powerful word – “yet.” Well, not just this one word: energized by the hope this word aroused in me, I also took all kinds of action designed to lead to great health.
I then started to play with this three-letter word. For instance, what if we all started to add “yet” to our conversations with ourselves and with others:
I don’t have a job…yet.
I don’t have my dream house…yet.
I haven’t become an expert in (fill in the blank)…yet.
Moving on, I thought of:
I haven’t mastered a double Axel in figure skating…yet (ok, I’m not working too hard on this).
Feeling heady with all the possibilities, I began to soar even higher:
I don’t speak fluent French…yet.
I haven’t quite grasped quantum physics…yet.
I haven’t met the love of my life…yet.
The only time we (or anyone) can make definitive final statements about our lives is when the comment can be chiseled on our tombstones:
Never won the World Chess Tournament.
Never really got calculus.
Until then, anything is possible, but we will never know it if we are not open to the possibilities. For good ideas are like birds carrying good news, circling excitedly for a place to land, then flying away disappointed at the lack of a landing field.
Our openness to possibilities of which we haven’t even dreamed yet is what provides that landing field.
Keeping your eyes open to possibilities only works if you have hope in your heart. As the song says, “It ain’t over ‘til it’s over.”
Despair is a destroyer.
Hope is a healer.
The Confident Introvert
“What are they afraid of?” my department manager used to ask after meetings in which a number of department members sat, silent and resentful, while he was unaware that his habit of springing surprise agenda items and asking for an immediate decision was very upsetting to these talented, educated introverts. Understanding, appreciating and utilizing the skills of introversion are foreign ideas to some – even to introverts. Now you can read about it in
The Confident Introvert.
Order now at http://www.ConfidentIntrovert.
What if your life was like a bar of chocolate?
Personal note
This week I am working from my California office, which has allowed me to spend a special birthday celebration with my sister. Our birthdays are one week apart, and the whole family gathered for one of those noisy, exhausting, but joyous celebrations. There was much laughter, a great deal of hugging, and a table laden with treats – those gooey, sticky, sweet, sometimes salty, and always fatty things that we use to mark special occasions.
I ate some of each of them, feeling so full emotionally that I didn’t need to splurge on any of it.
And I recalled the period leading up to my heart attack, when part of my stress management techniques included over- indulging in lethal “comfort foods” just “for the duration” of the stress. How satisfying it feels to be able to enjoy these treats, and then quit when I’ve had enough. It took a long time to develop the mindset that a “treat” is just that: a rare, celebratory event, not a daily habit. Today’s article is my attempt to understand, and help others understand, that what we do today- or don’t do – has impact sooner than we think.
***
Are you:
- wondering why you feel as if you’re sitting on the sidelines of life?
- tired of being asked if you’re “shy” when you simply enjoy listening?
- fed up with the sensation that life is one long competition for attention?
Then you definitely want to be there for The Confident Introvert 3-part FREE teleseminar!
On Wednesday, April 24, at 8 p.m. I’ll cover “Questions you always wanted to ask about introversion, but didn’t know who to ask.”
And if you missed the first two sessions, “Throw Off Your Cloak of Invisibility” and Baffled by Bluffers & Blusterers? Discover how to handle these challenges to introverts you can still sign up and listen to the replays!
Sign up now at http://creativelifechanges.
Don’t Forget: Wednesday, April 24, at 8 p.m.
Links to hear Lynette:
Hear more about The Confident Introvert book and programs in this interview with Mary O’Keefe, of Wellness Within:
http://webtalkradio.net/
Interview with Lori Campbell, Visionary Gerontologist, in whose book, Awaken Your Age Potential, I have a chapter:
http://www.agepotential.com/
or
http://www.youtube.com/watch?
What if your life was like a bar of chocolate?
We hear it so much – each day you walk will add 1 hour to your life, while not eating your vegetables will shave minutes, even days, off your life, sleep deprivation can eventually be deadly – and we think, “That’s a long way away. I’ll worry about it later.” We do this because we picture the loss of the time to occur at the end of our lives, and it does indeed seem a long way away.
But “later” always comes sooner than we think, and everyone seems somehow surprised when disease appears, seemingly swiftly and out of nowhere.
If we only focus on longevity, I think we are not understanding the reality of taking care of ourselves, so here is an analogy I have come up with that will help motivate us all to pay attention to our health every day.
What if, every day of your life, you were given a big, luscious chocolate bar of the very best quality. Every day it appears the moment you open your eyes, and it’s yours to enjoy all day long!
But what if, every time you fell off the back of the health wagon, by neglecting to exercise or eat your vegetables or get enough sleep, the next day’s chocolate bar was shaved down just slightly in size. And bit by bit, over time, you got a smaller and smaller bar of that luscious chocolate as your daily allotment, until it was just a sliver of the generous serving you were getting initially.
At first, the reduction isn’t apparent, but over time, it’s obvious there has been a big change taking place.
This is more like what happens to our lives when we get so busy with what we think are critical life events that we neglect to be our own caretakers. We are given a fully-functioning body and, as children, we wake up with more energy than we can use in a day. We are thoughtless about that wonderful body.
Over the years, we get busy. We tell ourselves we’ll take care of ourselves later, perhaps tomorrow, or next week. Our allotment of well-being diminishes, bit by bit. Then we stiffen up, slow down, develop aches and pains, suffer malfunctions in our digestive systems, and in numerous ways find we are getting the equivalent a smaller and smaller luscious chocolate bar each day.
It doesn’t have to be that way. The slowing down and deterioration that many people experience, and think of as “normal” is often the malfunctioning of a body deprived of the many things it needs to live fully and vibrantly. Good health habits help you to feel so good that you can look around the world, notice everything that is special and wonderful, and feel ready to participate in it with joy.
Having come through that dark period and learned this the hard way, I hope that my experience can motivate and guide people to make the happy choices every day.
The Confident Introvert
“What are they afraid of?” my department manager used to ask after meetings in which a number of department members sat, silent and resentful, while he was unaware that his habit of springing surprise agenda items and asking for an immediate decision was very upsetting to these talented, educated introverts. Understanding, appreciating and utilizing the skills of introversion are foreign ideas to some – even to introverts. Now you can read about it in
The Confident Introvert.
Order now at http://www.ConfidentIntrovert.
Who’s writing your life script?
Personal note
But Spring will surely come, as it always does; there will be daffodils, and lilacs, too.
It’s just as well that it’s late, too, with the flurry of activity that is demanding my attention this Spring: seminars on The Angina Monologue, workshops on Be Your Own Best Caretaker, and my new program, The Confident Introvert, which is shaping up to be very exciting.
So it’s important to get everything in place before those delightful summer days come, with their invitation to throw everything over, say “What the heck,” and go for a walk in the park.
If you want to get your life “tidied up” before the days of summer so that you can relax, consider my free program that I’m offering this month:
April is “Coming Out” month for introverts. What – you haven’t signed up yet for my FREE teleseminar series?
It’s not too late to register. All sessions are recorded, so that you can listen to them later. If you haven’t already registered, do it now, listen to the previous session on your own schedule, and gain entrance to these upcoming sessions:
Throw off Your Cloak of Invisibility
Aren’t you tired of being overlooked? Seeing other people get credit for ideas and expertise, when you know you have more to offer?
And on Wednesday, April 24, at 8 p.m.:
Questions you always wanted to ask about introverts, but didn’t know who to ask.
Send in your questions about anything about the introvert experience to me (Lynette@CreativeLifeChanges.
And be sure to show up for this last session, and stay till the end, when I have a free gift for you and an exiting offer.
They are all teleseminars, and they’re all FREE.
Sign up now!
Links to hear Lynette:
Hear more about The Confident Introvert book and programs in this interview with Mary O’Keefe, of Wellness Within:
http://webtalkradio.net/
Interview with Lori Campbell, Visionary Gerontologist, in whose book, Awaken Your Age Potential, I have a chapter:
http://www.agepotential.com/
Who’s writing your life script?
We all live our lives based on assumptions – beliefs we are sure are true about what we are capable of doing, what is acceptable for us to do, and what we think is inevitable. So where do those assumptions come from?
I thought of this while attending a play last week.
The central characters were an 80-year old man and a 70-something woman, who meet in a dog park. It was sweet, it was touching … and it went nowhere. Well, actually, she went off to Milan to hear an opera at the world-famous opera house he had always dreamed of visiting, but never had. He stayed on the park bench.
We could focus on the theme of people who dream but never take action, but for me it was this recurrent theme that two older people have all the elements of a fine romance, but never follow through on them, at least within the play, movie, or television program we see. One of them dies, or goes off to Milan, or the moon, but we never see them embracing. We never, ever, see them consummating their love.
How many of us accept this kind of ending without question?
My question was: how old was the playwright?
A broader question is this: whose point of view are we learning? When we see, hear, or read a drama, we are being moved emotionally (if it is any good). The creator is giving us a snapshot of life – his or her life, NOT OURS.
As I pointed out to a friend who criticized my move back to my home town after years in California, “You Can’t Go Home Again” is a book title, not a universal truth. She was shocked and surprised.
Everything we consume – not just food, but media in all forms – affects us. We need to pay attention to the beliefs and attitudes we are taking into our interior just as we are concerned about the foods we take into our bellies. So when you are entranced, or even hypnotized, by a work of art, pause and ask yourself, “Who created this?” And then consider the following questions:
How old was this person? What gender? May or may not be relevant.
What culture or sub-culture does this person represent? (Be careful here; sometimes we are most blind to assumptions that arise from our own culture, and therefore prone to accept them easily.)
What trends do you see or hear over and over again? As I’ve pointed out, according to the media, older people don’t make love. Repetition doesn’t necessarily make a concept true.
Anything else you can find out about the creator may help you to appreciate the work in its context, without necessarily making it your context. Because what you believe is what you will live.
We are what we eat holds true here, too.
The Confident Introvert
“What are they afraid of?” my department manager used to ask after meetings in which a number of department members sat, silent and resentful, while he was unaware that his habit of springing surprise agenda items and asking for an immediate decision was very upsetting to these talented, educated introverts. Understanding, appreciating and utilizing the skills of introversion are foreign ideas to some – even to introverts. Now you can read about it in
The Confident Introvert.
Order now at http://www.ConfidentIntrovert.
What the heck is virtual learning?
Personal note
- Find every opportunity to display their expertise – without trying to discover what you already know;
- Act as if only they have access to The Truth;
- Behave as if they assume you are inferior, and you know it, too;
- Tell you who YOU are; and
- Behave with such supreme self-assurance that you are left feeling a little bit smaller each time.
- Is this really confidence you’re seeing – or something else?
- What is confidence, and how do you get it?
- Ways to protect yourself from the B & B’s without being or feeling defensive
- Strategies to help you emerge from these encounters with even stronger self-esteem.
And if you’re thinking, “The time isn’t convenient for me,” or “I have too much to do that week,” or any other excuse you might use, read the article below before you make the decision not to register for this seminar that can start turning your life around.
Did I mention that it’s free?
What the heck is virtual learning? 
I meet people all the time who don’t really understand virtual learning, and are therefore wary of signing up for anything that is presented in this way.
What a shame; there is so much expertise out there that you can access once you become familiar with this increasingly popular method of supplying information. Don’t let that wariness keep you from easily participating in events that can transform your life.
It’s a dream-come-true for busy people who yearn for information to make their lives better and easier, but who don’t have time to seek out and attend the live events.
Virtual learning is something you can access in your home, on the beach, or anywhere you want. You can access it when it is convenient for you, too.
Virtual learning can come in different forms:
Teleseminar: When you sign up, the presenter sends you an e-mail with the date, time, telephone number, and PIN number you will use to access the live seminar.
Using your own telephone, you dial in to that number at the given time, and then enter your PIN number when directed.
There may or may not be long distance charges, depending on where you are and where the number is located.
Some presenters use a service that gives you a choice of local numbers to call rather than using that long distance number.
During the call, the presenter will mute the phones of all the callers, so that you don’t have to listen to background noises of doors slamming, dogs barking, and children calling out. At the end of the call, the presenter generally un-mutes callers and asks if there are any questions.
If you miss the live call, most presenters send you a link where you can access a recording of the call.
Webinar: The presenter sends you an e-mail with a link to a website where you will experience the training. You may see a Power Point presentation, with the presenter speaking as the slides change, or you may see the actual presenter and even a guest presenter.
You may also be given a telephone number to call, if you want to listen to the audio by telephone.
During the webinar, you may be able to “raise your hand” by selecting an option on an on-screen dashboard that allows the presenter to see that you have a question.
As with a teleseminar, if you miss the live event, most presenters will send you a link where you can access a recording of the event.
In both cases, presenters often provide handouts which you can download and print out.
What are the advantages of this type of learning to you, as a learner?
Distance is no problem. The presenter could be in Istanbul, and you in Southern California, and you would still have access. Think what it would cost if you had to fly to the presenter’s city and book a hotel room. The whole world is now available to you!
Weather, such as the winter many of us have been experiencing, isn’t a factor; you can be at home, log burning in the fireplace, cup of tea at your side, attending the class no matter what is happening outside: storms, floods, traffic jams, high snow banks, etc.
Activity: If you’ve already been sitting for hours at your job, and are stiff and tired, you can stand up and walk around with your cordless phone during the session. You can even do a few simple exercises, if you like! Try that in a classroom or auditorium.
Time: You’re not available at the scheduled time? No problem, just listen to the recording on your time schedule.
Although there may be an advantage to being present for the live call, so as to ask questions, many presenters allow you to e-mail your questions in advance. The answers would then be on the recorded version.
And often presenters make an offer, such as a complimentary coaching call, or a free CD with even more of their wisdom on it. You may have to be present for the live event, as these offers often have a time limit.
How do you find these courses?
Go online and search for the topic that interests you. You will find presentations in the areas of health and wellness, self-esteem, small business development, and for all I know, tightrope walking and dog walking.
There is a lot of high value content available by this method. Top experts are giving away free information on every topic under the sun every day, and reasonably-priced courses are always available. Why not tap into this stream of expertise and enrich your life?
The Confident Introvert
“What are they afraid of?” my department manager used to ask after meetings in which a number of department members sat, silent and resentful, while he was unaware that his habit of springing surprise agenda items and asking for an immediate decision was very upsetting to these talented, educated introverts. Understanding, appreciating and utilizing the skills of introversion are foreign ideas to some – even to introverts. Now you can read about it in
The Confident Introvert.
Order now at http://www.ConfidentIntrovert.
Are you suffering from “Brain Buzz”?
Personal note
I got home, flung my briefcase down, and waited until Sunday morning to unpack. It took all day (moving slowly) to store leftover handouts, put away charge slips, follow up with a new client, and deal with all the little scraps of paper on which I had scribbled or other people had scribbled and handed to me.
The most exhausting part was the fact that my brain was filled with so many ideas, images, creations … and yes, some worries, too … that I could hardly function.
Instead, I hunkered down and took a day off, only to return to work on Monday with renewed energy. Sometimes, taking that time is the only thing we can do. Other times, there are little skills we can use to keep from being overwhelmed. That’s the topic of today’s article.
Don’t forget: April is “Coming Out” month for introverts.
(Introverts are people who really get buzzed by too much stimulation.)
Here are some offerings I have crafted especially for you introverts.
They are all teleseminars, and they’re all FREE.
- Wednesday, April 3 8 p.m. Baffled by Bluffers & Blusterers? Discover how to handle these challenges to introverts.
- Wednesday, April 10 8 p.m. Throw off Your Cloak of Invisibility
- Wednesday April 24 8 p.m. Questions you always wanted to ask about introverts, but didn’t know who to ask.
Sign up now at http://creativelifechanges.
Mindful Aging
A while back I was interviewed by Lori Campbell, Visionary Gerontologist, in whose book, Awaken Your Age Potential, I have a chapter.
Now you can hear us talk about her ideas and mine, and the relationship of self caretaking to aging, in this interview at
http://www.agepotential.com/
or
http://www.youtube.com/watch?
Are you suffering from “Brain Buzz”?
Welcome to the World of Overwhelm. It happens to all of us and it is happening more and more in our increasingly complex world.
Here are some solutions I have come up with, besides simply shutting down for a day or so:
Organize in advance
Make a list before you go to bed of all the things you need to do, in order, the next day. Tell yourself, “There, now my day is all organized.” Then put it aside before you go to bed. Don’t even think of taking the list into your bedroom, which should be a serene space where you can relax.
Stick to your organization
Never, ever, EVER (did I say that enough), start up a computer without knowing in advance exactly what you are going to do next, and after that….
Make a list (on paper, in real handwriting) and post it where you can see it while you are on the computer. When you get distracted by incoming emails, instant messages, and internet searches, return to your list for grounding.
Switching tasks
Switching tasks can be confusing. Always take a few minutes to breathe and center before doing this, clearing your mind of the previous activity just as you should tidy your desk or workspace before switching tasks.
Avoid multi-tasking:
We all do it: talk on the phone while opening mail, or jot down notes on one topic while listening to another. No, it doesn’t make you doubly efficient; just the opposite, in fact. It can leave you exhausted, and you haven’t even accomplished much of anything.
When all else fails, take a day off and do something pleasurable. You will more than make up for that lost time by being re-energized.
And finally, remember the words of Mahatma Gandhi: “I have so much to do today, I must meditate for two hours instead of one.”
The Confident Introvert
“What are they afraid of?” my department manager used to ask after meetings in which a number of department members sat, silent and resentful, while he was unaware that his habit of springing surprise agenda items and asking for an immediate decision was very upsetting to these talented, educated introverts. Understanding, appreciating and utilizing the skills of introversion are foreign ideas to some – even to introverts. Now you can read about it in
The Confident Introvert.
Order now at http://www.ConfidentIntrovert.
Are you afraid of success … or is it something else?
Personal note
I am most delighted in my home office on a day like today, when the entire landscape seems to be covered with whipped cream. Yes, we had snow starting last night and continuing today, leaving me in splendid solitude with a computer and a head buzzing with dreams. So here goes…. April will be “Coming Out” month for introverts. Stay tuned for details!
Such a program I have for you – fun and empowering. I can hardly wait to share this with you.
In the meantime, Minnesota Wellness Educators is presenting an all-day seminar called “Stress: The Silent Killer,” and I am one of the speakers with “The Angina Monologue.” I well know the effect of stress, and how it almost killed me with a heart attack. In fact, 85% of disease is now known to be stress-related.
Speakers will include, besides myself, Michael Monroe Kiefer, Ph.D. and founder of the PowerMind Institute; Lori Bestler, CH, Strategic mind coach; Katie Fahnel, DC, of Body Harmony Chiropractic; and Lynn Wilson, RN, founder of MN Wellness Educators. Cutting edge information on the newest health practices can be yours for an incredibly low fee! In fact, I’m told you can now bring a friend FREE if you register. So, Register now at http://mnwellnesseducators2.
Are you afraid of success … or is it something else?
Has someone suggested to you that you fear success? Or have you thought it about yourself? If so, what is it you are really afraid of?
I had to think about this some years ago, when I was starting out as a speaker. An enthusiastic and supportive friend of mine would say, frequently, “Maybe soon we’ll see you on Oprah’s show,” and I would shudder in horror and immediately cut back on any activities that might make me more visible.
I was being sabotaged by two fears, both involving the possibility that I wo
uld appear foolish and fail miserably. The first was that I simply had no knowledge of how to prepare for an interview, and the second was that I would be thrown questions that were skeptical or even hostile about my expertise, and I would be frozen, unable to answer.
I thought some people were just born superbly capable to handle these situations, while others (myself), were not. Some people are actually born to be “cool” in circumstances that would fluster the rest of us, but I failed to realize that being a good interviewee, and fielding difficult questions, are simply learnable skills. Just because some people are born to be superb athletes doesn’t mean that others can’t learn and enjoy swimming or playing tennis.
Being told you “fear success” doesn’t really help solve the problem, does it? I always felt that I was really being told that I lacked will power, or backbone: something essential but difficult to visualize, much less grasp.
I know now that somewhere out there are templates for every situation you might encounter but don’t know how to handle – yet. Here are a few resources:
- Need to express yourself better in public? Try reading “Communicate That!” by CBS radio host Roshini Rajkumar.
- Flustered by sudden questions or comments that you don’t know how to handle? Communications specialist Sharon Ellison has some great techniques for you in her book, “Non-Defensive Communication.”
- And if social situations you have never encountered give you sweaty palms, you can find exactly what to do when you consult Letitia Baldridge, author and expert on contemporary manners, and former social secretary to Jacqueline Kennedy. In her “New Complete Guide to Executive Manners,” she covers everything from dressing, gift-giving and table manners to travel and differences in international culture.
So select your guide and set out on your trip to success!
The Confident Introvert
“What are they afraid of?” my department manager used to ask after meetings in which a number of department members sat, silent and resentful, while he was unaware that his habit of springing surprise agenda items and asking for an immediate decision was very upsetting to these talented, educated introverts. Understanding, appreciating and utilizing the skills of introversion are foreign ideas to some – even to introverts. Now you can read about it in
The Confident Introvert.
Order now at http://www.ConfidentIntrovert.
How can I soar with eagles when I work with turkeys?
Personal note
The birds outside my bedroom are getting noisier every morning, and the increasing number of rabbit tracks across my yard tell me they are venturing out more and more.
Meteorological Spring is here, and with it comes more hope for transformation in our inner and outer worlds. I have spent the winter hibernating and studying more and better ways to make significant behavior change happen, including the newer research in how our brains function and are remodeled. My heart is lifted; I hope yours will be, too, when I share these techniques with you during the coming season.
How can I soar with eagles when I work with turkeys?
Much later, I recognized that some of them probably had my face in mind when they looked at the sign and laughed.
The expression refers to someone (me, of course) who would be a high performer in this environment, if it were not for the underperforming people around one.
In fact, it often describes people who are doing something so annoying that we feel frustrated and avoidant.
Here are some common turkey behaviors.
- Bluffer & Blusterer: sounds so confident that others clam up and stop offering ideas, even if they feel the B & B is wrong.
- The Clam: doesn’t offer ideas in a group setting but confides criticisms to a favored few later on, leaving others feeling mystified or betrayed.
- The Checker: constantly protests and wants to slow down others until all the facts are in. They never are.
- Just likes to have fun: turns every meeting into a kind of party or joke-fest which can derail actual progress.
Have you noticed that all of these people seem to be motivated by insecurity? They’re not doing it to YOU; they’re just doing what they do to protect themselves. These behaviors are signs they are under stress, and everyone has typical ways of dealing with that stress. For example:
- The B & B is just trying to avoid feeling out of control. Listen, appreciate the offering, and then speak up. This person isn’t keeping you from speaking up; you are.
- The Clam is terrified of speaking in a public setting. Ask the Clam in advance of a public meeting what he or she might contribute. Listen carefully in a relaxed manner so the Clam isn’t afraid to speak in your presence.
- The Checker is afraid of being wrong. Lavish praise for the carefulness he or she brings to any situation, then gently bring the Checker back to the original goal that is being pursued.
- Just likes to have fun: This one is terrified at not being liked, and is competing to get the most attention. Suggest that the JLTHF use this enthusiasm and high energy level to inspire and motivate others.
Once again, they’re not doing it to YOU. They are displaying the fact that they are under stress, and maybe could use a little help in de-stressing. Offer that help, if you can.
By the way, what kind of turkey are you?
The Confident Introvert
“You don’t look like an introvert” is a phrase I hear frequently when people learn about my new book and program, The Confident Introvert. This is a sad reflection on the way introversion is perceived in our society, as some kind of defect rather than another way of thinking and being – a rich, productive way, I might add.
Surviving in this kind of culture is not easy, and I have spent years learning how to do it successfully. Share my journey and my wisdom. Go to http://www.ConfidentIntrovert.
Are you bothered by public speaking?
Personal note
Like many opening nights, it was successful, but with small glitches: people having difficulty registering, a Power Point program that worked superbly up until the time the webinar actually started, and a telephone system that acted up half-way through the seminar.
Why didn’t it bother me?
Well, I come from a theater background, where you know anything can happen at the last minute. You prepare a wonderful program, and a piece of scenery falls down, or the sound system decides to misbehave, or anything, really, and suddenly you have to improvise. You rehearse well, learn to roll with the punches and practice what a friend of mine used to call “The art of instant self-forgiveness.”
That’s what prompted this week’s article.
Are you bothered by public speaking?
Your work or life may require speaking in public. Some people think of public speaking as delivering a talk to a large audience; others think that two or more people constitute a large enough audience to be intim
idating.
Are you one of the rare people who is frightened of public speaking? Note the use of sarcasm here: actually public speaking has long been the #1 fear in the United States, just ahead of nuclear warfare. You are most emphatically not alone.
It’s just that people who have this fear seem to feel so very alone, as if everyone else is blasé about it, and only the victim feels somehow publicly naked and ashamed, sure that everyone else is seeing that fear.
So you need to know that just about everyone who performs in any sphere – speaking, music, dance, acting – is scared to death.
One famous artist I can think of regularly faints before going on stage; another vomits. Yet they both go out and deliver superb performances.
I personally wake up the day of a big talk feeling a little as if I were going to my execution. Yet as the day wears on, I become more and more energized and excited, and finally end up, always, loving the very act of speaking.
So what distinguishes stalwart performers from the chickens?
As the New Yorker said to the tourist, who asked, “How do you get to Carnegie Hall?” – practice, practice, practice.
You can’t think through a talk and expect to deliver it with ease. You cannot perform any skill in public that you have not practiced in the exact form in which you expect to deliver it. No one would think to compete in the Olympics by thinking through their skill, suiting up at the last minute, and then trying it out live for the first time.
If you’re going to speak, you need to open your mouth and learn to project your voice.
Ideally, your practice should not only be live, but you should replicate the environment of your talk as closely as possible. What will you be wearing? What props will you use, including microphones? What size room will you be in; a large room to which you are unaccustomed can be intimidating.
Find a room – in your church or your school perhaps? – that will resemble your upcoming venue. If you can assemble a small audience of friends or supporters who will give you feedback (important information, kindly delivered) not criticism (blaming and shaming), so much the better. If not, use a recording device to hear how your voice sounds and if you need to adjust the volume.
What if your venue is simply a networking meeting, at which you must get up, introduce yourself, and deliver your elevator speech? Same model – practice, practice, practice.
For example, vary your distance from the recorder to see how much volume your voice needs to carry across difference spaces. You could say, “I am (name) and I am six feet from the recorder.” Then say a few more words. Then try it again at a different distance. This will give you a good idea of how to control your sound, and relieve that embarrassing feeling that you either sound too soft and timid, or that your voice has suddenly boomed out embarrassingly loud.
Don’t expect one practice session to produce results so superb that you never worry again. After all, if performers who earn $50,000 per concert still have to practice, why shouldn’t you? Step up to the practice; don’t let anyone else star in your very own Carnegie Hall.
The Confident Introvert
“I used to be an introvert – but I got over it.” I hear this a lot when I go out in public and talk about my new book and program. It’s a little like saying, “I used to have blue eyes – but I got over it.” Or, worse yet, “I used to be introspective and richly imaginative – but I got over it.”
Often the person who has offered this observation then gets up to speak, and leaks insecurity in tiny ways, declaring subtly that there is internal discomfort.
It doesn’t have to be that way. Our extroverted culture has made us overlook the valuable contributions of introverts. Discover your inner richness, strengthen your pride in it, then learn to express it openly and safely.
Read The Confident Introvert, then sign up for the programs of the same name. For information and to purchase, go to http://www.
