What’s in your Holiday Bucket?
Personal note
This year, my Holiday Stressbuster Program will include this fascinating topic and ways to avoid it, as well as strategies for handling the difficult people who seem to crop up more often at holiday times, tactics for blending people who have very different ideas of how holidays should be celebrated, ways to avoid over-eating and over-spending, and more.For a “taste” of the Holiday Stressbuster program, sign up for my complimentary session on Wednesday, October 19, 7:30 Central Time. It will be chock-full of good information that will help you turn your holiday nightmares into a holiday dream!
What’s in your Holiday Bucket?
Just Breathing
Personal Note
Pumpkins, caramel apples, masks, fancy costumes – Halloween is upon us; can Thanksgiving and Christmas be far behind?
So many choices: Should I buy the bags of candy I really like? No, I might eat too much. But if I buy the ones I don’t like, perhaps no children will come to the door, and then I’ll eat the left-over candy anyway, only I won’t even enjoy it.
“Decision fatigue” is a recently-researched phenomenon that has special meaning during the holidays, when we are faced with even more choices, crowded closer and closer together. The results of decision fatigue include poor judgment, mood swings, splurging, over-indulging…sound familiar?
This year, my Holiday Stressbuster Program will include this fascinating topic and ways to avoid it, as well as strategies for handling the difficult people who seem to crop up more often at holiday times, tactics for blending people who have very different ideas of how holidays should be celebrated, ways to avoid over-eating and over-spending, and more.
For a “taste” of the Holiday Stressbuster program, sign up for my complimentary session on Wednesday, October 19, 7:30 Central Time. It will be chock-full of good information that will help you turn your holiday nightmares into a holiday dream!
Just Breathing
Pause, breathe, choose: I remind my clients (and myself) of this sequence frequently, adding that the response we make to a stressful event is our choice, not a given.To reach the point where we recognize other choices, it is important to be able to distance ourselves from the world and center on our own bodies and minds. Correct breathing is the key here. If you have ever studied voice or a wind instrument, you probably know how to do this already.
If not, here’s a primer: deep breathing doesn’t come from the chest, but from the abdomen. Therefore, the best way to start taking a deep, relaxed breath is to let go of all the muscles you have probably been trying so hard to hold in. Feel the entire front of your body release; if you are sitting down and are not skeleton-thin, you may feel a portion of your lower abdomen touch the very tops of your thighs.
At the moment that this happens, think of your body filling with air, and picture that air reaching all the way down into the bottom of your abdomen. At the same time, you will probably become aware that your entire rib cage is expanding to the side as well as to the front.
Once you have grasped this technique, try the following sequence:
Inhale for four slow counts
Exhale for four slow counts
Stay empty for four slow counts
Your body contains enough oxygen for you to rest comfortably for four slow counts without feeling the slightest bit deprived, yet somehow in this state it is difficult if not impossible to think of anything except your body, especially the center of your body which is involved with breathing. Your consciousness pulls in until the outer world recedes, and you are all alone, comfortably, with yourself. The squirrel wheel of your mind even stops.
Repeat this exercise several times. If you do it for ten minutes, you are taking giant steps towards maintaining physical and mental health, for it not only slows down your thinking but also slows down your nervous system and your heart rate.
In this state, unimportant events somehow slip away. You may find they are replaced by truly creative thoughts about how to plan your next moves.
Once you have learned this technique, you can practice it anywhere. Just a deep breath or two can help you handle a difficult situation with less stress.
Easy, and cheap. What more can you ask for?
Time Zones
Personal Note
Last Sunday I spent a delightful afternoon with some of the women from Wired4Life, Dawn Huberly’s organization for women with pacemakers. These women, representing all age groups, have bonded, thanks to Dawn. More importantly, they have learned to live in and truly enjoy the present.
Much of my work consists in trying to help people live fully in a supportive present, bolstered by pleasant past memories, and buoyed by inspiring thoughts about the future. So I was pleased to find another example to bring to my readers that I hope will lead you to that happy state.
Time Zones
The wellness expert I was speaking to after her talk commented that she had almost been late for the conference. “I was stuck in traffic,” she lamented, “and I was really stressed.”
I asked her what she was worried about, given that the audience was a group of very supportive women who already knew and liked her. What would they have done had she been late?
She didn’t know, but insisted it was a stressful experience. Why? There would have been no dire consequences; someone else might have spoken first, or everyone would have continued to network and socialize until she appeared.
She had failed to seize that little interlude to experience what I call an “Island of Peace,” a place and time where you can just breathe and center yourself, free from distractions, knowing that there is nothing you can do about the current situation, which will adjust itself when it is darned good and ready.
In the meantime, she had placed undue stress on her body, the very topic on which she was about to deliver a talk.
In The Time Paradox, Doctors Philip Zimbardo and Jim Boyd explore the psychology of time and how it shapes our thoughts, feelings, actions, and ultimately our destinies. They describe the different mental time zones through which we move: The Present, Future, Negative Past, and Nostalgic Past.
Zimbardo and Boyd explain that it is sometimes appropriate to be mentally in the future, for example when you are planning and setting goals. And while the Negative Past can solidify beliefs about the barriers that have held us back, and continue to do so, the Nostalgic Past can be a support in the present, when pleasant memories can evoke feelings of well-being and high self-esteem to sustain us during difficult times.
The agitated speaker could have reflected on the group of women with whom she was about to meet, and the friendliness and support they had shown her in the past. Instead, she leaped into anxiety about the future – a future in which she was imagining criticism and rejection that was unlikely to occur. Remember, 10% of stress is due to what happens to us; the other 90% is due to what we think about what is happening.
This tendency to dwell too much in the future time zone seems to be a national disease in the United States, forcing us to feel rushed all the time.
What if you could draw on the Nostalgic Past for support, dive into the Future to inspire yourself, and savor the present – all at will? That’s great stress management, and it’s not impossible to achieve. It is said that balancing your mental time zones feels like being on a prolonged vacation.
Want to find out if you have achieved a healthy balance of mental time zones?
Go to http://www.thetimeparadox.com/surveys/ to take their interesting survey.
You Mean Stress Is a Choice?
Personal Note
For me, the end of summer is signaled when we close up the museum with which I am associated, Historic John H. Stevens House, Birthplace of Minneapolis. After a summer of varied events, including storytelling about the house and local Native American history, a display of paintings of Hennepin County lakes, parks, and rivers, and a talk by our own native plants gardener on how the plants were used as medicines by settlers and Indians alike, we end with a bang, giving free tours of the House, and enchanting children with the toys and games that were played 160 years ago.
You Mean Stress Is a Choice?
Choose Your Moods
Personal Note
This week has been one filled with blessings, such as opportunities to give two of my talks to appreciative audiences. The Stonebrooke Golf Club Women’s Luncheon was the site of my talk on “What Do Wonder Woman and You Have in Common?” and Robins, Kaplan law firm heard “The Angina Monologue,” my talk on women and cardiac disease.
The weather, too, has been cooperative: pleasantly warm with relatively low humidity. The only storm came one day pre-dawn, so that we awoke to fresh air and a cleansed world.
Excited and stimulated by my successes, I returned home and flopped down in a chair, exhausted and curiously depressed.
So I chose to have a tranquil mood, by pulling a CD out of my collection that reminded me of serene, dreamy times in the past and the kinds of scenes in which I want to participate in the future.
If you don’t already have a system for managing your moods, consider setting one up.
Choose Your Moods
Think of all the things you take into your body and your mind daily, besides food: sights, sounds, smells, tactile experiences.
For example, do you flip on the radio automatically – in your car or in your home? Just flip the switch and leave it on? When you do, be aware that somebody else is choosing the music, whether it’s bright and lively, slow and tranquil, or fast and furious.
Your body is moving right along with the rhythm and the sounds, and your emotions are, too. Someone else is in charge. Is that what you want?
Perhaps you have turned on a talk show – and when you are not paying attention the topic of the program has changed, and there you are, listening to a speaker making a passionate argument for or against a current issue. Even if you agree with the speaker, do you really need to have your passions aroused on that issue right now?
What about the daily news? Do you read or watch TV automatically? The media generally focus on the idea that Good News is No News, so a lot of what we read, hear or watch, is Bad News.
I’m not suggesting you shield yourself from anything unpleasant, because of course you want to be a mature and an informed person, but how many exposures do you need to the same story about burglaries, murders, wars, and other atrocities? Such stories are often repeated over and over again, all day long, without necessarily adding more information that might be important for you to know.
Think about everything you take in all day through sight, hearing, touch, or smell – how do you feel right afterwards? What is your mood? Pay attention.
You can make choices about what not to view or hear or experience.
Just as you can make choices to select things to view or hear that bring you serenity or even joy.
Make a list of some experiences you can give yourself every day – music to hear, a poem to read, a picture to look at – that support your good mood.
Remember always: Pause. Think about it. Then choose wisely.
Stress of Being Praised
Personal Note
Stress of Being Praised
Last week, I looked at the evaluations of a talk I had just given. One was excellent; when I glanced at the page, I realized the name of the writer. “Oh,” I remarked, “that’s just a friend.” The implication was that since the writer was a friend, there was something less valid about the praise. I had fallen into a typical error; luckily I backed out quickly.
Do you know that most people believe criticism is much more accurate than praise? That they dismiss praise for a variety of reasons while taking criticism to heart? And people whose self esteem is suffering are more likely to do this.
Think about it – when you deny praise, you do several things:
- Imply that the praise-giver is lying, insincere, or just has lousy judgment.
- Assume that the positive image the praise implies just can’t be true of you.
(Who needs enemies, when you can do such a good job on yourself?) - Believe that you understand the motivation of the person offering the praise.
Some years ago I was seated next to another dancer in a backstage dressing room. She was complaining loudly that her mother came to her performances and said, “You were the best one” and other similar remarks. The dancer said, scornfully, “What does she know?”
Her mother may not have been an expert on dance, but she was displaying unconditional love – something everyone wants but few people recognize when it is offered!
Do recognize that loved ones who praise you may be saying “We love you, care about you, and want to support you,” regardless of how well you are doing in some arena that is not relevant to your relationship.
The proper response to praise? Say “Thank you,” then seek professional guidance for your skill elsewhere. Your family and friends are there (hopefully) to love and support you, not necessarily to give you technical help.
Understand that a praise-giver may be genuinely impressed with you or your abilities even if you believe you haven’t reached some goal you have set for yourself.
Don’t turn away praise, implying that you are scornful of the praise or the person giving it. Think of how you have felt when someone scorned your opinions publicly.
Praise is not:
- A bargain: I’ll praise you, and then you praise me. You don’t have to praise the person right back.
- A business transaction or manipulation: Even if you believe the other person is praising you in order to “get” something from you, don’t assume that you have to give it.
Just say “Thank you.” Try not to make a face, or toss your head, saying “Oh, do you really think so? I thought I was terrible”….or “I think this outfit makes me look fat”…. or “My hair has never looked so awful.”
And why would anyone, after receiving this treatment from you, or observing you treat someone else this way, ever dare to praise you again?
Next time someone praises you, and you think “lousy taste,” or “Oh-oh, manipulation here,” just smile and say “Thank you.”
They may be right or wrong about your excellences. You may be right or wrong about their motivation. Just learn to say “Thank you,” and then shut your mouth.
At the very least, it confuses your enemies. And who knows, you might allow yourself to consider that the praise-giver just could be right.
What If…?
Personal note
A friend and I took a lovely paddleboat ride on the Mississippi River on Sunday afternoon, past old crumbling brick walls backed by sparkling new skyscrapers, learning a lot of history that we had never heard.
I had arranged to take my disabled friend, someone who doesn’t get out much, on this outing, and I felt responsible to provide a good time. The good time almost didn’t happen, due to a careless mistake on my part. That mistake did trigger some thoughts about small stresses in life, which in turn triggered this article.
What If…?
When I ordered the tickets for the paddleboat cruise, I was told to bring the printed order form plus a form of picture identification.
We showed up at the dock, I reached into my purse – and remembered that I had put my major credit card and driver’s license into a small pouch the previous day in order to attend an art fair – and hadn’t replaced them in my purse.
This is the kind of situation that brings out my - our – creativity immediately. (I’m including you in the “creativity” category because I assume that, if you’re reading this article, you’ve already identified yourself as someone who wants to think about this topic.) We had driven all the way to the landing, packing a picnic lunch, excited at this little respite from daily work and cares. Now the outing seemed threatened by my mistake.
What if we were refused entrance to the boat?
My first reaction was to say, “Oh, well, it’s a lovely day. If we can’t board the boat, we can have a nice picnic on the side of the river.” I said this loudly several times to convince both myself and my friend.
Inside my head, I pictured the clerk adamantly refusing to give me the tickets without the proper identification, and pictured myself being my winsome best to persuade her to turn over the tickets. I even had my companion search her bag for her picture identification in the hope that that would somehow be sufficient.
All the while I had to remind myself that the various scenarios that were floating around in my head were just that – scenarios. They bore no relation to reality because they were in the future, which hadn’t happened yet. Anytime you can put “what if…?” in front of the description of comings events, you should recognize that you are being creative, and not necessarily in a good way.
When we walked up to the window, I presented the order, the clerk frowned (a little inner tension for me here), and said, “What name was this under?” I replied, she reached into the drawer… and handed me the tickets, with no further conversation.
I know people who wouldn’t be fazed at all by this kind of situation, assuming from the start that they could somehow handle it in a manner that would bring a positive outcome. It wouldn’t occur to them to worry about it for a minute.
For those of us who spent a number of years perfecting our worrying, anxious thoughts will continue to surface anytime a roadblock, however small, appears in our path.
Worriers need to have a few mechanisms to have in place when things don’t seem to be working out as you planned.
Consider other pleasant outcomes
So what if your plans are blocked? Stay relaxed, and look for pleasant surprises in your life. You can make wonderful discoveries this way.
Lamenting – “This is terrible. Our whole day is ruined” – forces you to focus only on the negative and stifles any creative solution.
I once was denied access to a museum because I had my small dog concealed (I thought) in a large handbag. My friends went in; I crossed the historic main street of this little town, entered an antique store, and found that the owner, who had lived there for decades, could give me the complete history of the area, showing me artifacts and pictures to illustrate her words. She also was a dog lover; we spent a delightful hour or so. The dog had a good time, too.
I could have sat outside in the heat, fanning myself, waiting for my friends, being alternately annoyed at the museum and annoyed at myself for bringing the dog.
In the case of our boat trip, I immediately began mentally planning an alternate trip along the river. We went anyway, but after the boat trip, found scenery neither of us ever knew existed, and this in a city where we have lived for years.
Imagine the best
As long as you are creating future scenarios, why not opt for good ones? Potential lovers stepping out of doorways, exhilarating celebrations taking place just around the corner…
Advanced Worriers (AW’s) need to think of all the times your plans were derailed, or you had to take a detour, and instead found a pleasant surprise.
RAW’s (Really Advanced Worriers) need to start making such a list. Look around you when you are blocked – really open your eyes and look at the scenery and the people. Many a relationship has erupted, many an entrepreneur has been launched, and all because of a chance encounter. New restaurants, old houses, unknown parks, charming shops, unexpected vistas, can all pop up when you least expect them to do so.
Rehearse – but not too well
Prepare to handle the potential block to your plans by considering what actions you might take or what words you might use. Then remember that this is just one of several ways the situation might play out. I had a few persuasive words prepared if it was necessary, but I never had to use them.
Practice your stress management skills on small frustrations, such as this one, and you will be ready for the more serious challenges you will face in life.
Remember, we need systems in place that will help us to deal creatively with the small challenges that life brings to us all the time. Responding to these challenges creatively makes you stronger; responding with stress makes it more likely you will do so in the future.
Practice the good stuff! Make it a habit. May all your “What if’s” be great!
Does persistence really pay off?
Personal note
My internet access was down again – for most of last week. It was frustrating to log on over and over again only to see a spinning disc that kept on revolving forever or to write a message and then find that I couldn’t send it. These problems have persisted for months, despite changes in internet service providers, modems, and routers.
Does persistence really pay off?
Recapture Delight In Your Life
Personal note:
I went to the lake yesterday. The same lake I went to as a child. The same sun-sparkled lake I dreamed about for years, while living in another state where summers were foggy and cool , and gray sand beaches were pummeled by huge waves that could knock you off your feet if you even went wading.
But the first time I went back to that lake was yesterday. Decades had passed before I moved back to my home city, and ten more years had passed before I actually went back to that lake.
Why did I take so long? That’s the theme of today’s article.
Recapture Delight In Your Life
- Indulging in something, such as rich food, that’s bad for them.
- Going shopping; only to end up buying something they don’t need or can’t afford.
- Playing computer games.
- Flopping down and watching TV.
More healthful alternatives, such as having a massage, may come to mind, but are often dismissed as “too expensive” or “take too much time.”
We forget things we did naturally when we were younger, and less preoccupied. But memories of those times can sometimes refresh our spirit as nothing else can.
Here are some things can you do in approximately one hour that aren’t costly:
Revive old feelings of pleasure
Recall some music that you find particularly uplifting or relaxing and spend an hour listening to it, without doing anything else except listen.
Dance – all by yourself, for the sheer pleasure of moving
Re-awaken old dreams
Re-read a childhood book that once inspired grand dreams or provided you with a heroic model.
Make time stand still:
Remember how, as a child, you became so absorbed in play that the outside world seemed to disappear? Here are some activities you can still do that will reclaim that sense of absorption:
- Paint – or color in a coloring book! You can find elaborate coloring books suitable for adults in museum gift shops.
- Reclaim an old hobby, such as knitting or building models, that fully occupies your hands and your attention while you are doing it.
Go to a park you haven’t visited before, or for a long time, and take a walk, being mindful and curious about everything you pass.If all of these activities sound childish, that’s exactly what they are. They date from that period of life when we somehow knew we could create and mold our every-day world. That reminder can inspire you to be creative in your present life.
My trip to the beach took a little over one hour. The blissful memories and sense of relaxation that it brought up lasted for two or more days.
The Power of “Yet”
Personal note:
As a writer, I believe in the power of words. Words can heal and bring hope. They can also destroy hope. This week’s article is about one little word that can carry a lot of power.
The Power of “Yet”
- Someone somewhere in the world was working on this problem;
- There would be a solution…sometime;
- She would be aware of that solution because she believed it was possible; and
- She would pass that solution on to me.
