Rose sniffing
Personal note
Last week I flew to London, Ontario, Canada, to meet with my Master Mind group, and especially, my dynamic coach, Pat Mussieux. I can’t say enough about this group and our coach; when the man at Passport Control on the U.S. side asked, incredulously, “You flew to Canada for 1-1./2 days?” I was challenged to try to explain myself. But I am renewed, recharged, and ready to share the results of that experience with friends and readers.
Rose Sniffing
We had a lovely speaker return to my women’s group last week. She is an expert on women’s health, and once again she provided us with arcane and useful information that we could have gotten nowhere else. She did it with such gentle grace and humor that we felt soothed and refreshed at the end of an intense hour and a half.
At the end of her talk she announced that this was her last talk. She had resigned from her job in order to have time to smell the roses.
How lovely for her. How lousy for us.
We might wonder: must we wait for the end of our careers in order to have time to enjoy life? Is there no other way to savor life deeply?
Here’s a little experiment to try: Select a beautiful object – how about a rose? – to contemplate fully and completely for all of two minutes. Immerse yourself in the experience; notice color, texture, line, fragrance, whatever is relevant to the object you have chosen.
Feeling distracted and fidgety? Take a deep, slow breath and continue to gaze at this object.
Immerse yourself in its timeless beauty. Savor it.
Don’t do this just once and then forget about it.
You might make a small collection of objects that are suitable for relaxed gazing; a kaleidoscope, with its vast array of changing patterns, has always been one of my favorites. Keep your collection handy when you need to pause and remember how to savor life.
What if we incorporated a little rosebud sniffing into our daily life? I thought of this as I rushed from one appointment to another last week. Yes, I was walking rapidly, but at the same time I noticed, and deeply appreciated, the cherry blossoms and the lacy patterns of their shadows on the sidewalk, the almost-neon green of the new grass, and the flash of red as a cardinal darted in and out of the foliage.
Even as you move through your busy daily routine, you can remind yourself to leave no rose unsniffed.
Take charge of your stressful assumptions
Personal note
Take charge of your stressful assumptions
It has been said that the bulk of aggression in the world is the result of poor communication. Sometimes the wrong words are chosen; sometimes the wrong words are heard.
In addition to someone producing a communication and another person hearing that communication, there is another layer: the assumptions we make about what we hear. We assume a certain intent, a possible threat, and then we create stories around what that is going to mean to us – in the future.
Someone once compared this process to looking at a door of a house and imagining all the rooms behind that door, their furnishings, and the activities that take place in those rooms. It’s a lovely creative process, but in communication it is misplaced. We not only set in motion stressful processes that undermine our health and age our bodies, but we set in motion actions that can undermine and even destroy relationships.
Why do we do this? It’s a form of self defense: a pre-emptive strike to protect ourselves against the possibility of threat. It not only doesn’t work, but it may make us feel even more threatened than before. Sharon Ellison, expert on non-defensive communication (www.pndc.com/) notes that confidence, competence, and even the ability to learn diminish after responding in a defensive manner.
Here are some steps to take when a communication seems to be causing you stress:
Pause and consider what the threat seems to be: The pause is important because the urgent feeling that stress produces in us often causes us to take action first, and reflect later.
In your pause, consider how you are feeling. Sad? Scared? Angry? Did you feel your attractiveness or your skills were being underrated because the speaker praised someone else, or offered you some advice? Did you then assume that the relationship was going to proceed, or even escalate, into something even more negative?
Ask yourself if this has happened before, and if so, how often? The more often this same thing has happened in your life, the more likely it is that the challenge is within yourself, not in the other person.
Ask questions to clarify: If someone says, “There’s another way to do that,” and you feel a flash of anger at the implied criticism, you could ask, “Are you critical of the way I am doing this?” You may find that the other person is surprised at the impact of what seemed, to the speaker, to be an informative remark. You can now have a more open discussion about what’s really going on.
Reflect: Ask yourself, “Is this episode worth my attention?” “Is the person or activity important enough to me that I am going to spend time worrying or worse yet, avoiding a situation I might otherwise have enjoyed?”
Communicate/Negotiate: It takes a certain amount of courage to say, “When you said … , I felt…. (sad, angry, depressed, etc).” The other person may be genuinely startled at this revelation, having intended something else entirely.
Ask for the change you would like: “I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t criticize me in front of other people. Perhaps you could take me aside and tell me your concerns.”
Take action: Inaction is sometimes appropriate: you decide no action is necessary because it’s not worth the battle or it isn’t high on your list of priorities.
But if the situation is important enough to you, suggest two outcomes: “If you continue to criticize me in front of others, I don’t want to work with you any more. But if you handle it the way I suggested, I would enjoy continuing to work with you.”
Notice that “take action” is the last step. It’s that old problem: the urgency of the stress response. We feel something must be done right now or else … or else what?
We go off and feel less confident, less competent, and even a little stupid? How is this a win?
Instead of creating and furnishing mental “houses” filled with potential strife, save your creative abilities for activities that bring genuine value to your life and to the world.
Is anybody listening?
Personal note
During the past two weeks I have been involved with setting up not one but several projects, each of them involving a small group of people. Communications between us have flown back and forth; revisions have had to be made, misunderstandings corrected, and I have been left sometimes with the feeling of one who is herding cats.
It is a reminder of how fragile communication is, and how important it is to strive to be absolutely clear in order to save stress and time. But what do we mean by “clear communication?” That’s the essence of today’s article, a small peek into a topic I call “People Literacy” : learning to read different kinds of behavioral styles in order to operate more effectively in personal and professional life.
Is anybody listening?
One common stressor is the feeling that we are trying to get others to understand our needs and our points of view, but somehow, no matter how hard we try, the message isn’t getting through.
The solution to this stress? Try to understand the needs of your listener; then shape your communication to meet those needs.
In an old sitcom, Archie Bunker stated: “Edith, do you know why we can’t communicate? Because I’m talking in English, and you’re listening in DINGBAT!”
Archie Bunker had a point: a major frustration in life is the realization that we are not being heard. His explanation was also typical: it must be your fault if you don’t understand me.
A good rule to remember is that everyone is tuned into Station WII:FM: What’s in it for me? Each of us filters information beamed towards us in terms the kinds of information we want and need, and the possible threat that may be posed for us. The ability to analyze the communication styles of others allows you to plan your communications so that they will be received and understood.
Here is a brief rundown on four different normal types of people, and what they need to hear in order to pay attention to a communication.
The DOMINANT, take-charge type, likes challenges and speedy movement towards a well-defined goal. Dominant types are better speakers than listeners. Such people give new meaning to the terms “brief” and “concise.”
A phone call from a Dominant is likely to consist of a quick message: “I can’t meet you at I p.m. It’ll have to be at 1:45.” And belatedly, “This is Don. How are you?” The speaker may then hang up without waiting for an answer.
A communication to a dominant person should move quickly to the bottom line: what is the proposed plan, what is his or her involvement? Avoid at all costs the following: a long introduction to the topic (trigger impatience and lack of attention in this listener), entertaining anecdotes (arouse suspicion – “Why are you trying to con me”), and detailed presentations of data on the pros and cons (“You should have thought this out on your own time and come to me with a brief, clear proposal”).
ENTHUSIASTIC OPTIMISTS are animated, optimistic, and very sociable people. Charming and entertaining others is a major goal of this very likable type. They make charismatic leaders, teachers, preachers, and super salespeople.
Major threats to this type include the possibility of personal rejection, or a negative reaction to one of their proposals. The result? Enthusiastic Optimists, when squelched, have an out-of-body experience. In their imaginations, they travel to another, pleasanter planet where your voice is not being heard.
When your Enthusiastically Optimistic listener’s eyes glaze over, it is a distinct possibility you are not being heard.
Take time, if possible, to listen, socialize and empathize with the feelings of the Enthusiastic Optimist. You will save time in the long run. Present negative information as if it is one of an array of possibilities.
HARMONIOUS TEAMWORKERS are even-tempered, loyal friends and co-workers. In their conversations, they often use the word “we” where others might use “I”: ‘We went to a movie last night,” “‘We didn’t like that restaurant.”
People who reflect this style tend to speak in pleasant, well-modulated voices, and expect others to do the same. They are made very uncomfortable by forceful tones and language, as used by the Dominant types, or the rising and falling inflections and volume of the Enthusiastic Optimist, interpreting such vocal changes as being threatening.
Harmonious Teamworkers tend to avoidanything unpleasant, and will consequently avoid listening to overly forceful communication.
CAREFUL INDEPENDENTS are detail-oriented, conscientious types who prefer to work alone, and indeed need a certain amount of solitude in order to be comfortable.
Communications beamed towards Careful Independents should be worded cautiously, with respect for detail. Avoid emotion-laden phrases and attempts at persuasion; simply present the facts to which you wish them to pay attention.
Don’t necessarily expect an immediate reply or reaction to your communication. Listeners might be compared to cameras: some zoom in on a specific topic, while others use a wide-angle lens to take in many details simultaneously. The Dominants and Enthusiastic Optimists zoom in on topics which are important to them, react quickly and make decisions accordingly. Harmonious Teamworkers and Careful Independents survey the entire situation, often contemplating several points of view simultaneously. This type of information processing demands time for reflection before reaction. Pressing them for a response too quickly will result in irritation and resistance to any suggestion being presented by the speaker.
Of course, communication style can vary by situation; people often don’t use the same style at home and at work, for example, and level of stress can play a factor also. Plus, don’t forget that there is a strong relationship between power, communication, income level, and status in the community. However, studying these four listening styles will greatly enhance the power of your communications, and increase the possibility of actually being heard!
Handling the stress of rejection
Personal note
It’s still the beginning of the year, and all around me friends and associates are reaching out to find new ways to make their lives go forward. As I give talks on stress, health, and success, and go to networking meetings and conferences, I meet people who are starting new enterprises.
High hopes can turn to discouragement very easily when rejection is encountered.
It’s a great time to pause, breathe, and choose to use the rejection as a catalyst, rather than as a heavy anchor.
Handling the stress of rejection
Rejection can cause a particularly deep form of anger, because rejection seems to carry with it a heavy load: loss of self-esteem, and even of identity. Rejection can also result in depression.
Sometimes it takes this shock of rejection to make you realize that you may have been asking for toolittle in life and to get moving to do something about it. You may have settled for what you thought you could have, not what you really wanted.
Or you may have convinced yourself that you really wanted a situation or a relationship in order to escape the uncomfortable ambiguity of not having a settled future.
You have, in fact, made a poor choice.
I first learned how to turn the anger of rejection into useful energy some years ago, after being rejected three times when I tried to transfer to a nearby state college from the community college. As an older returning student, this rejection played into my fears that I was somehow inadequate.
After the third rejection, I took a deep breath and took stock of skills and abilities, then said to myself, “How dare they reject me! Why, I’m good.” I then shot off applications to two prestigious universities, one public and one private, that I would never have dared approach before – and got accepted at both, with scholarships.
The energy of anger, racing through my body, shocked me into looking at the situation very differently. And that energy forced me to take constructive action.
You may feel that you’ve been rejected because you’re inferior in some way, but it may be that you and a given situation just don’t match. You may have been deluding yourself that you do match, or will match in the near future if you just hang in there long enough.
Very often, you, and what you offer are rejected because another person is just too busy and involved in his or her own life to pay attention now to you and what you offer.
And you can be rejected because someone else sees you more clearly than you see yourself: as powerful and destined for something better. And it threatens that person. It’s as if they have recognized that the cocoon conceals a butterfly, and you are the potential butterfly.
To take some of the sting out of rejection, try the following steps:
Pause, take a breath, and release your fantasy about what might have been in that situation.
Recognize what you may have been going for is a feeling of safety rather than what you really want, as in “this person or job wouldn’t be my first choice, but it’s safe to ask for because it isn’t too far out of my reach.” Is safety an important enough reward to settle for when you yearn for excitement and appreciation?
Sometimes you don’t get a flat “no.” Instead, you get a situation that drags on and on, leaving you feeling a little drained, a little demeaned, and a little … well, “little.”
Our brains are great at storing negative information, which we can access immediately when we are feeling low. Combat this negativity by keeping a file of all your successes and triumphs, large and small, to review when you need reminders of your true worth. Include notes, cards, and awards. Pull it out whenever you are low. Ask your friends to contribute (positive points only, please) to the same list.
Take action: reach out for more contacts of all kinds.
And when you do, celebrate diversity! Don’t just look for a mate, a client – or any other kind of match – in the “right” category: gender, age, appearance, income, etc. Do show interest and kindness to people of all different kinds, not just the ones you think can lead you to your goals.
Take up activities you’ve kind of wanted to try, but never did before.
Anyone you meet and connect with can open your eyes and connect you to exciting situations of which you had never dreamed.
Remember, if you keep doing what you’ve been doing, you’ll keep getting what you’ve been getting.
To settle for a better-than-nothing relationship, to get stuck doing “okay” work, or to live in a place where you are uncomfortable, to keep applying to the same people, whether they are bosses or clients, for recognition of what you have to offer, is to tell yourself that you’re not deserving of anything more.
Maureen Dowd, the columnist once wrote, “If you settle for less than you think you’re worth, you’ll get even less than you settled for.”
Think about it. Then reach for the stars. Hey, all they can say is “No,” but at a much higher level than you have been experiencing.
And, when you reach your level – the one where you are energetic and enthused – you just might find “yes” is a frequent occurrence.
The Best Gift of All
Personal Note
Thanksgiving is over, and all of a sudden I have run out of time. Boxes of decorations are strewn around my living room, lists for gifts and for cards are being drawn up, and food is being gathered in to make sure that friends can be welcomed at any time of the day or night.
One of the boxes I opened contained a box of cards that I have kept over the years because of the sentiments expressed by the giver, and one of those cards is the subject of this week’s newsletter.
The Best Gift of All
Holiday Hints at the Buffet for the Heart-wise
Personal note
Many of us are already planning 2012, dreaming about upcoming success, planning how to pursue life’s goals successfully, and hopefully, blocking out time for ourselves. We may picture ourselves hitting the ground running on January 1 (well, January 2 anyway).
Will we be “lean and mean” on January 2? Or will we face a battle to get our sluggish bodies into shape for what seemed like a glorious quest in November but more like an uphill battle in the New Year?
Here are some helpful hints to stay in shape.
Holiday Hints at the Buffet for the Heart-wise
The holidays are a particular challenge for those of us who know we must be vigilant every day to maintain our health through good eating. (Actually, that’s pretty much everybody.) Here are some of the challenges, and how to meet them.The holiday party, with its buffet of delectable treats, many of them high-fat – cheese plates, crackers, cookies made with real butter, rich drinks such as egg nog – can be faced and handled by using some of the following tricks:
- Drink a glass of skim milk before attending the party. It’s nutritious, filling, and will keep you from giving in and wolfing down too many hors d’oeuvres. And it’s great padding if you decide to have that one alcoholic drink you allow yourself at a party.
- Bring a bottle of sparkling water with you, in case it isn’t available at the party. Fill your glass with this festive-looking drink, or dilute your one glass of wine with it, making two or more bubbly spritzers.
- Station yourself as far away from the table as possible, so that you won’t be continually tempted by the sight and smell of food.
- When you do approach the buffet, fill up on vegetables (easy on the dip) first; then select the richer “goodies.”
- Decide in advance what you will eat, and how much of it. Want to treat yourself to a little bit of cheese? Pick the harder type of cheese (lower in fat). Try putting it on a vegetable, such as a celery stalk, rather than a cracker.
- Avoid automatic eating by keeping your hands occupied with holding a glass (of the above mentioned sparkling water or spritzer) while you are engaged in conversation.
- Don’t try to match the speed or amount that your partner is eating (easy to do), particularly if your partner is larger than you are. After all, would you put the same amount of fuel in a small compact car as you would a big SUV? No? Well, then…
- Do mindful eating: savor each bite by leaving each one at the front of your mouth longer than you usually do. Then slowly let it move through your mouth, noting the point at which that particular food really stimulates your taste buds and enjoying it to the max.
- If you don’t get a real thrill from a certain food, be willing to discard the rest of it uneaten. If you’ve looked the tray over and selected one brownie, be willing to get rid of it if you think it doesn’t taste like the best brownie the world (or at least you) has ever known.
Creative Writing for RAWs
Personal Note
Creative Writing for RAWs
Holiday Hints for Heart-wise Women
The holidays are a particular challenge for those of us who know we must be vigilant every day to maintain our health through good eating. Here are some of the challenges, and how to meet them.
The holiday party, with its buffet of delectable treats, many of them high-fat- cheese plates, crackers, cookies made with real butter, rich drinks such as egg nog, -can be faced and handled by using some of the following tricks:
- Drink a glass of skim milk before attending the party. It’s nutritious, filling, and will keep you from giving in and wolfing down too many hors d’oeuvres. And it’s great padding if you decide to have that one alcoholic drink you allow yourself at a party.
- Bring a bottle of sparkling water with you, in case none are supplied. Fill your glass with this festive-looking drink, or dilute your one glass of wine with it, making two or more bubbly spritzers.
- Station yourself as far away from the table as possible, so that you won’t be continually tempted by the sight and smell of food
- Decide in advance what you will eat, and how much of it. Want to treat yourself to a little bit of cheese? Pick the harder type of cheese (lower in fat). Try putting it on a vegetable, such as a celery stalk, rather than a cracker.
- Avoid automatic eating by keeping your hands occupied by holding a glass (of the above mentioned sparkling water or spritzer) while you are engaged in conversation.
- Do mindful eating: Savor each bite by leaving each one at the front of your mouth longer than you usually do. Then slowly let it move through your mouth, noting the point at which that particular food really stimulates your taste buds and enjoying it to the max.
- If you don’t get a real thrill from a certain food, be willing to discard the rest of it uneaten. If you’ve looked the tray over and selected one brownie, be willing to get rid of it if you think it doesn’t taste like the best brownie the world has ever known.
In short, make sure the actual experience of the feast matches your anticipation by making mindful, better choices. You’ll end up not only healthier, but happier as you realize you savored the experience and maintained your self-image as a heart-wise woman.
Helping Heart-Wise Women
Heart—wise women are women who:
- Have had a cardiac event of any kind, or
- Know they have significant risk factors for cardiac disease.or
- Are intelligent enough to know their stress-filled lives can kill them
Harried women are:
- Overly-busy women who can’t seem to find enough time to exercise, meditate, and do all the things they know are good for them
- Working women, women entrepreneurs, women with families, women being caretakers……
- Just about every woman we know!
As a Certified Life Coach and teacher, I work with overly-busy women who are concerned about their hearts and who can’t find the time to relax or meditate because they believe they have “delegated everything they can delegate and let go of everything possible”. I help them to shift their perspectives, identify hidden time-wasters, change habitual thoughts and actions that rob them of time, energy, and power, and discover time for life-enhancing activities.
Looking for Time in the All the Wrong Places
Feeling rushed seems to be a by-product of modern life. We work to have a better life, but discover we have to spend time commuting to the home we were able to provide because of the job. We take up activities to stay healthful and involved in life, then discover we have increased our commitments to the point where we no longer enjoy these “leisure” activities. We want to do a good job in every aspect of life: work, relationships, child-rearing, home care, and we feel buried in joyless responsibility.
Take time to go to a weekend meditation retreat? You know it would be good for you, but if you can’t even find the time to sleep in a little later on a weekend, how could you possibly set aside two days of doing nothing?
Many of us keep looking for time in all the wrong places. Such as, “After I’m through with work, and my commute, and my personal banking business, and my food shopping and meal preparation, and my commitment to other people ….then I’ll have a little time to relax. And it never happens.
Don’t wait until everything else is done. There’ll never be anything left for you. Do as personal money managers advise: Pay yourself first. If possible, spend a few quiet moments at the start of the day meditating. You will start your day feeling more clear-headed about what you plan to accomplish.
Other ideas for managing your time better:
- Manage your transitions better. Enter every new task and encounter after you’ve spent a few minutes doing some deep breathing and clearing your mind. Your loved ones, your boss, even your pets will thank you for being more relaxed
- Stress makes you stupid. Remember “Ready, Fire, Aim”?. Slow down deliberately when starting a new task; write out a plan of what you are going to do (writing it forces you to slow down and think), even (heaven forbid!) read directions first. The time you spend will be more than repaid by the time you save not having to go back and correct mistakes.
- Live in the present, not the past or future: Rushing to an appointment, reviewing in your mind the coming topic, you park your car, slam the door, and walk away. An hour later you search frantically for your car in the parking lot or on a city street because you can’t remember where you put it. Stop when you leave your car, note small landmarks that will orient you, then walk to your appointment mindfully noting passersby and scenery. You’ll arrive more refreshed and clear-headed, and you won’t waste time searching for something that shouldn’t have been “lost”.
- Give up too much caretaking: Unless you have a very young child or a helpless invalid in your life, you may be doing a lot more caretaking than is good for you…..or for the other person.. Son forgot his homework and wants you to deliver it to the school? Maybe once, but after that he is responsible for the consequences of his behavior. Give up obsessing about the possible negative outcome of a friend’s behavior if you can do nothing about it. The rule is: If you don’t have the authority to do something about it, don’t take the responsibility.
Following the above guidelines may not get you immediately to that two-day meditation retreat, but you’ll find you can create “islands of peace” in the middle of your chaotic days, and perhaps this will be the start of a new way to live, and to love your life.
