Persistent Perfectionism
Personal note
On Sunday, we will all “fall back” an hour. What a luxury: to wake up and discover you have an extra hour in your day!
But I have a mental image of the year, and it’s something like this. Right about now we are on a path that tilts, so that we start sliding faster and faster downhill from Halloween, through Thanksgiving, finally crashing into Christmas. Then, a week later, we have to pull ourselves out of the wreck and have one final crash –New Year’s Eve.
Following the holiday season, we must then try to pick up the pieces: the blown diet, the demolished bank account, the disordered home and the general feeling of “blah” we get when we have to do all of this during the darkest days of the year.
Why not make a few small changes now to defeat the worst of the stress, and the accompanying “blahs.”
Defeat Time and Energy Bandits
One of these, which particularly rears its head at the holiday season, is perfectionism.
Now perfectionism is a wonderful trait – in its place. Some of the places where it is advisable to practice perfectionism include brain surgery (or any kind of surgery), pharmacy, air traffic control, operation of any kind of heavy equipment, including motor vehicles, or any other activity that seriously threatens the health and safety of living things.
But true perfectionists extend this way of thinking and behaving far beyond the boundaries of necessity. Relationships, child-rearing, weddings, and holidays are areas where the whole experience would be better for everyone if the perfectionist could just back off.
Christmas can include a hurricane search for exactly the right gift, which is unavailable due to its popularity, or the ultimate holiday decorations and meal, suitable for a photograph on a magazine cover.
“But I’d be letting people down if I didn’t do it,” wailed one of my clients. “Really?” I said. “Have you asked them?” Turns out her family members were delighted to be asked. They hated her frantic search for perfection.
How to dial down your perfectionistic tendencies? Make a list of all the areas in your life where it is necessary for you to be a perfectionist (see discussion above). Then make a list of all the areas where it is merely “desirable,” including filling out income tax returns, making travel reservations, dealing adequatelywith customers or clients. Failure to be perfect here can result in spending money or in wasting time, but it is not life-threatening.
What’s left after the “necessary” and “desirable” areas are the gray areas: being concerned about how you dress, how your home looks, whether you have said something foolish, made a mistake, or somehow displayed your ignorance.
In this context, perfectionism is NOT about setting high expectations or being successful in your endeavors. It is about being concerned about making mistakes and about worrying about what others think. Perfectionism in this arena robs you of joy, of creativity, and of authentic relationships.
Think of it this way – persistent perfectionism is stress, and stress is life-threatening. Any event that you are willing to shorten your life for by having anxiety about had better be an equally life-threatening event. Are dust bunnies, disarranged hair, or verbal mistakes really worth your life?
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